6:23 p.m. - 2002-01-23
Ms Leslie gives herself a headache
LYNN SEZ:

> I just read your latest entry. I have always known

> you to be smart and perceptive, but did not realize

> that you knew that I was waiting patiently- I did not

> realize that I was that transparent. Well, that is

> one for you.

... and that's what she gets when she tries to be my mom. I'm watching all the time. Even when I'm looking down at my nails, I am watching. It's a tough job. I am super-sensitive to any reaction.

> On with the meat of what you said. I know you see

> yourself as In Control, Independent, and having

> Integrity. And I hear that you fear that as you lose

> parts of these, you lose yourself. That is really

> heavy.

> One way of looking at things is that if you

> are Independent and fiercely so, it could be

> reactive...reacting to doing or not doing

> something...then is is really independence? True

> independence is an acting, not a reacting...So not

> doing something in order to be independent is really

> the opposite of being independent.

OK.. now I have screwed myself, and she has caught me. Did I really mean to use the word 'independant'? Because she is right. If I just resist doing something because it didnt' come from me, that's not independant.. it's just stubborn. It's me saying "Don't!" all over again.

I could say I meant to use the term "self-sufficient". That's the idea I really had in mind. But it doesn't work either. The truth is, I am neither independant or self-sufficient. If I were, I wouldn't be in this position. Or if I am.. it sure hasn't done me any good. My independance is stubborness and my self sufficiency is isolation. I'm so proud when I find ways to solve problems by myself.. especially the hard ones under tough conditions. And I try to translate tht into self-sufficiency. All it really is is avoidance. I can't stand to let someone else work on my problem.. thus demonstrating that there is something I don't know or can't do. I go to all kinds of trouble to keep from admitting that I don't have or can't get the knowledge.

And everyone who knows me knows that they can not tell me what to do. It makes my hair stand on end and my teeth grind. I'll do the opposite almost every time.

I forget abut what is right or logical. I forget about the benefits. I just go the other direction, even if I know it will lead to disaster.

I can't go on like this. It only causes unnecesary pain. It isn't working any more. if it ever worked at all. But how do I change it? Who is there for me to depend on?.....and for what?

Rule out everyone I now know; Parents, siblings, kids. even Ann. That leaves the therapists. Dr Root is fine, but not to be depended on. SHe is too busy to allot much attention to any one client, and she is focused more on war trauma. So now I am back to Lynn. She goes to great lengths to show that she is dependable and deserves my confidence. I know I am supposed to be learning that I can depend on her. And I do, up to a point. I think I believe she does want the best for me. I think I beleive she cares beyond the bounds of our "professional reltinship". I think I do. Yet I still watch her every move; every expression; waiting for the smallest sign of betrayal. It wouldn't take much.

But suppose I felt I could just close my eyes and fall backwards; depending on her to catch me. Then what? What is it I am to depend on her for?

This is giving me a headache.

�

�

previous - next