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7:00 a.m. - Sunday, Jan. 15, 2006
MsLeslie Eats Not
Yesterday was a low-energy day. For reasons known only to my inner vet, I got it into my head that I should do a little spiritual exercise that called for me to fast for twenty-four hours, starting at midnight on Fri night and ending at midnight Sat night. It wasn�t about losing weight, although losing weight is back on the front burner of the wood-burning kitchen stove of my life. It was more about the self-control and discipline that I need to re-develop if I want to begin moving forward once again. So I spent six hours full of self satisfaction and resolve, three hours of indecision and self-doubt and fifteen hours of misery, self pity and clock watching. I�m still not entirely sure �why� it was important to make myself suffer, but I do at least know I can find the resolve to follow through with a plan, however limited and short-term.

I�ve agreed to do something I never thought would happen. THS is having a but of a life crisis of her own, and so I�ve agreed to let him stay with me until he can get his ownself back together. This includes getting a bullshit job, which he has already done, so he can pull his lips from the financial teat of his mother, who has been paying him to come into her automobile tire and repair shop and suffer heaps of emotional abuse each day for a little more than a year.

Our new arrangement will change our relationship in ways he cannot even guess, but he�s been warned, so let the chips drop and fall. I think it�s going to change our relationship in ways I can�t guess either, but I am afraid to contemplate them. He is unlike me in every way I can name, except that we are both so incredibly kinky. I�m frightened to death that his constant presence will diminish my newly incubated sense of self control and direction, and that what is now my very own turf will gradually become his, leaving me with no refuge from the chaotic and alien planet that is the rest of my world. I could have said �no�, but here�s the thing; He loves me like crazy, is devoted to understanding me and helping me live, and will not allow me to stop communicating my fears. In the end, I think my greatest fear is that I will come to a place where I want to be with him all the time and could not bear to lose him. Is this what love is? Are we captured by it, only to fear its loss? I am not in any way ready for that. I don�t want a partner or a marriage-like arrangement. I only want the fun and not the work.

He stayed up with me until midnight. As usual, I haven�t shopped, so I swear there is no food in the house, but he found a couple of bags of beans and my nine dollar bag of gourmet rice and, adding some bacon we bought at the quick-stop the other night, made a big pot of beans and rice which was finished just at midnight so we could break my fast together. I�m not sure what the angels eat in heaven, but in southern heaven, it�s beans and rice. And Nutty-Buddys.

Today I want to work. I am going to get out some boxes and begin packing everything from my little BDSM playroom and the laundry room in preparation for the demolition of all the walls, ceilings and floors. I plan to move a wall or two, upgrade my electrical service panel and then redo both rooms from the ground up. I actually am anxious to get started so I can haul trash to the dump.. er, excuse me� solid waste management facility� in my new truck, who I am considering calling Ms Purple Passion, or just Passion for short. Passion is one of the good emotions� and will be a good truck as well. THS will assist me in my packing and all the forthcoming work by staying out of it. We have found that we work best when we work alone. Like I said; We are different in every way.

Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths,

MsL

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