12:01 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 11, 2003
Mom don't want to read this one
OK, let�s get it out in the open.
I like men. I�ve always liked men. I think I might need to say that a few times, just so the people who�ve been closest to me and who have thought they knew me for the longest time will understand.
Women are good too. Women are beautiful and curvy and sexy. They�re gentle and soft. I love women.
I stayed faithfully in a monogamous relationship with a woman for twenty-five years. I suppose that was supposed to mean I wasn�t attracted to men. But the truth is, for all of those years, I thought about men, fantasized about them, and on more than one occasion, I came within a few moments of having sex with them. In those days though, I liked to think I had some integrity, so I refused to break the trust I had been given.
The funny thing is, I was never attracted to gay men; only straight men.
Thinking back over my life, I realized the other day that although I�ve had many more sexual encounters with women, I�ve had more sexual relationships of one kind or another with different men. From the time I was very young and the neighborhood bully would drag me into an unused garage and force me to give him blow jobs, through a lengthier relationship with a young teen-age friend, and including quite a few one-night stands before and during my time in the army. I was faithful for twenty-five years, but after that relationship ended, I�ve had occasion to be with a couple of other men. I got used to saying about these encounters that I �didn�t hate it�. Now I�m ready to take another forward step and say�. �I like it�.
I can�t help wondering if hormones have an undiscussed effect here. I think that in the last three years since I started taking estrogen, my attraction to men has gotten stronger. It it just that I am feeling freer to express my feelings, or is ther a chemical thing happening here? I don�t know for sure.
Of course, I�m not a prime candidate for dating, but just in case you�re curious, I�m not a virgin either. I�ve had occasion to be with a couple of men that I know during the last six months or so. I can�t say it was �love� (sorry guys). It was more along the lines of an experiment. It was taking a test drive, if you catch my meaning. But even without the emotional attachment, I can report that yes, I DO like it. Now more than ever.
If I get the nerve up, I might go into this line of discussion further one day. It�s an amazing transformation that few people, I guess, will ever experience.
Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths,
PS...remembering that today is year two since 9/11. Live on, but never forget.
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