6:34 a.m. - Saturday, Jul. 19, 2003
There'll Be Some Changes Made

I feel a change in the air. IS there air in cyberspace? Because that�s where I feel the change coming on.

I�ve been dissatisfied with my diary and web page for some time now. I�ve wanted to change it, but each time I opened FrontPage� my html crutch, I haven�t been able to get a clear idea of just what it was I wanted to change. I think I�ve got it now.

I�m ready, I think, for my diary to not be the diary of a transsexual woman any longer. I�m ready for it to be the diary of me� a woman who has had the unusual but not fatal experience of having been born ambiguous and raised as a male. I�m ready to move on.

Does this mean I am no longer a transsexual? I�m not sure.

Ambiguous I may have been, but I have fathered two children. Obviously, I possessed the physical attributes of a man. If I felt otherwise and was horrified to see a man looking back at me through every mirror, then I would have to say I fit the criteria of transsexualism. I was a transsexual, but I got over it.

I�m no longer horrified to see a man in the mirror. Now I�m merely horrified to see an aging lady with some ugly scars in unusual places and very bad skin after every hour of electrolysis. I�m horrified by my fat and shapeless body, but not by my own genitals.

I am so comfortable with my body now that I can�t feel right about saying I suffer any mental disorder involving gender discomfort. I think I must be healed in that regard.

So don�t be surprised when I pull on my light leather work gloves and start pulling my web stuff apart and doing some remodeling. I might stir up a lot of dust and I�m sure to make some mistakes, but I think I�ll be moving in the right direction.

Bear with me OK?

Oh.. PS.. If my page fits into your browser window today, you can thank CosmicCrayola. She�s not the first one to bring up this problem, but she�s the first one to tell me what I was doing wrong. May her butter always remain flyless.

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