4:15 a.m. - Friday, Apr. 25, 2003
The First Ms Leslie Meandering across America Tour
Freedom from religion isn�t always easy. It has its downsides.
Many people who care about you� and some who don�t� put themselves under a lot of stress worrying about your immortal soul. That would be bad enough, but their concern makes them feel compelled to enter into all these long and heartfelt monologues about all the reasons there just has GOT to be a God. I hate it when they do that. It makes me feel bad that they feel so worried on my account. At the same time, though, I get a bit frustrated and even offended when these people assume I haven�t given spiritual things a great deal of thought and even, yes... prayer... before finally reaching my conclusion that the universe has no particular meaning or value.
As bad as that is though, here�s a downside that�s even worse:
I can�t take the Lord�s name in vain.
See, it doesn�t matter especially who or what your particular God is. When you�re excited and exclaim �Oh My GOD!�, it means something. Say, for example, you�ve allowed cash to become your ruler and god. When you then holler �Gawd Almighty!�, it�s the same thing as shouting �MONEY Almighty!!�
See? It makes sense.
You can worship the traditional Judeo-Christian god, or the sun, or even a big live oak tree. When you blaspheme, you take a significant risk. Too, if you �swear to God�, it means you swear by something that has real meaning in your life. If not, then it should. You�d be nuts to believe in a God and then defy him/her/it.
I, on the other hand, can only feel foolish and hypocritical if I try to invoke the name of a higher power.
I really wanted to start this entry with a breathless �Oh, my GOD�, because when I read that rebekah and Crazy Lady are both close to where I intend to go to pick up my new used Lincoln, I realized the exciting possibility of the flagship Ms Leslie'� HTDB America tour. It�s very exciting. But how, without a God, am I going to convey that excitement?
Oh, my NOTHINGNESS! Ummm��. No.
Oh my GOODNESS! �.. yeah, right. Like I�m just stinking with goodness.
Oh my STARS!! �.and which stars might those be?
Oh my GAWRSH!!�.Oh, c�mon, we all know that gosh means God, just like heck means hell. Besides, this one sounds hollow and incomplete unless I add a couple of �yuk, yuks� to the end. I�m sorry. Ms Leslie does not �yuk, yuk�.
Ditto for GOLLY, but add that GOLLY is something only the Beaver can effectively use. Just as masturbation causes feeble-mindedness, forgetfulness and blindness, use of GOLLY causes more freckles than a week in the sun.
Hmm� where was I? And where did I lay my glasses?
This may be the same quandary faced by �The Killer�, Jerry Lee Lewis, when he invoked the phrase �Goodness, gracious, great BALLS of fire!�
You know what? I think that works!
GGGBOF!!! Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls O� FIRE!
HA!� it�s even better than OMG!
Thanks Killer!
OK�. My entry:
GGGBOF!!!� Why didn�t I think of this? The first ever, flagship event of the Ms Leslie Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths, America, meander, walkabout and road trip!
I think I�d be up for it, even though it�s disconcerting to meet people who know me so much better than I know them. I can never get out any good stories. I get interrupted with �Oh, I KNOW!�. You already wrote about that in your DIARY!� It makes me think maybe I should go back and actually read the thing myself. And then of course, there�s the reality that once met in person, I turn out to be pretty ordinary and even boring in real life. Are you old enough to remember the time before Vanna White actually spoke? Mystery and glamour ducked under the cloak of invisibility and she became just another sweet and pretty country girl. Not that I�m any Vanna. It�s just that it�s a similar kind of situation.
But I�m willing to give it a try. All I need to do is try to think of my personal security and, more importantly, the security of my new used Lincoln. So�. Here�s what I�m going to do:
I�m flying to Pittsburgh on 5/1, where I�ll be met by the dealer and taken to inspect, purchase and claim my Town Car. Assuming the guy doesn�t just take my bank draft and then cut me into little bitty pieces and leave me in a shallow grave, I�ll probably spend the night somewhere close to the dealership. The following day, I plan to follow a meandering course south and a bit west towards Mississippi. I�ll tell you the truth, I�m so tired of looking at freeways anyway, I�m thinking of spending at least some extra time driving along the smaller highways, where I can really SEE where I am. I have no reason to hurry home.
So, if you are between Pittsburgh, PA and Biloxi, MS and you think you�d like to meet me, I�ll be happy to buy you a HTDB meal. Scottish food, it�s sold only at the famous McDonald�s restaurants. They call them �Happy Meals� for short, but we all know what they mean. You fly and I�ll buy.
Just send me an e-mail and tell me where you are and how far you�d be willing to drive to meet the famous me. Do it before Tuesday and I�ll try to work out a route that will take me closest to the adoring you. I�ll reply with the particulars of my trip and we can agree on a time and place to share our HTDB Meal. Stalkers, skin-heads and Nazis are welcome too, but will have to pay for their own happy meal. Fair is fair, don�t you agree?
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