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4:32 a.m. - Monday, Mar. 17, 2003
Ms Leslie and Fear... yet again!

I�m going to take the easy way out. In between packing, I�ve been writing letters in reply to some of the e-mail I�ve been getting. Some have asked what exactly I�m having done in Thailand, while others are remarking on how �brave� they think I am. I�m nothing of the sort.

To save a little time while still giving you enough to read, hopefully, to make you late for work, I�m going to paste some portions here of things I�ve already written within the last day.

Hey!

My surgery will be partly a facial feminization and partly just a good old fashioned face lift. More of a muscle lift really.

For feminization, he will make an incision that runs from ear to ear across the front of my hairline. He'll peel the skin back enough to grind down my brow ridges. That'll make my forehead more like a genetic female's. Then he'll remove a strip of skin and pull my scalp down to lower my hairline and minimize the receding hairline I now have. He'll also raise my eyebrows slightly to add more arch.

He will do some reshaping of my nose to make it more feminine and give it a slightly upturned tip. and will make a small incision just below it to make the area over my upper lip narrower and to pull the actual lip up, making it wider.

Thankfully, we are leaving my chin, jaws and cheeks alone. They are actually within female proportions as they are.

He will trim my earlobes so they don't hang down like an elephant's too.

In the facelift department, I am having my eyes made wider and the bags removed.

Liposuction under my chin to remove excess fat.

A rytidechtomy, which means an overall tightening of the muscles underlying the face. A neck lift will remove excess skin under my chin.

Dermalive injections to remove the deepest creases around my mouth.

More Dermalive to plump both lips.

And he's going to remove a couple of moles from my face.

He estimates a total of 12 hours on the operating table and says if he can't finish in that time, then I'll have to come to the clinic a few days afterwards to finish some of the more minor procedures.

Should be a piece of cake, huh?

Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths,

Leslie

Dermalive is a product widely used in Europe much the same way that collagen is used here. It�s just more permanent than anything used in the US.

Someone else allowed as how they thought I might be scared under my calm exterior.

You're totally right, of course. I'm terrified at the whole ordeal that lies ahead. It's both helpful and detrimental that I've been through this once before. Helpful because I know the people involved with my surgery and care. I trust them implicitly. Detrimental because I know what I didn't realize before. How long and exhausting the trip to Chonburi, and even worse, the trip home. How dangerous and chaotic the environment of a third world country.. especially as we enter a war I refuse to ponder, and then, of course, my regular old chums and companions I brought home from Vietnam. Hypervigilance, Panic, Intrusive Thought, and Flashback. I'm like a bizarre Snow White, being followed by my own little four dwarves. Ugly little bastards they are too.

I've made this commitment to myself. I've been trying to find other things to write about besides the depressing glop I've spent so many words on. I think I've done pretty well. I'm learning some more efficient ways, I guess, to walk through life with my demons: Not trying any longer to deny their existence and not pushing them ahead of me wherever I go either. Instead, I'm figuring out how to accommodate them when necessary and how to kind of stand so they're in my shadow the rest of the time. But you're right. I'm scared.

I can tell, most of the time, if I've been forgetting to take my meds for a while. I find myself going back to some old thought patterns about death. Not suicidal, exactly, but the realization that I'm ready for death. I don't hate the idea of no longer existing. When I feel myself returning to those thoughts, I know (now) that it might be a good idea to pay particular attention to when and how many capsules I'm taking each day.

So I don't hate death. I DO hate fear. That's my point. Fear is perhaps my greatest adversary, and I absolutely can't stand to allow it to win. I do try to avoid it when I can, but if the only thing between me and the thing I know I must have is fear, then I'd rather die than turn away. I would rather die than let fear rule me.

The upside is, I think there must be no greater feeling than victory over fear. It becomes almost a privilege to have been through a fearful experience and come out the other side. I have to swallow fear to open my door and go outside. Some days.. many days, I never find any reason good enough to go outside. But on those days when I know I need to go, I swallow the fear and do whatever it is I need to do. I'm always, always happy at the end because I always turns out to be a good experience. That wasn't always true, but it's become true ever since I found myself fitting into the space I occupy in the universe. I�m still scared, but it always turns out good.

The first time I went to Thailand, I was so scared I was vomiting. Too frightened to eat. For me, that's saying something. But as I pushed through it, culminating in the operating room when they asked if I was ready to go to sleep, I found such a reward on the other side. My SRS... something I've worked hard for, but more. It was knowing that fear will not beat me. Not then, not now, not ever.

Ah well.... I can see myself sinking into a rant on fear. Best thing to do is snip it right here.

I appreciate your positive energy, and I do believe you're right when you say you think it's going to be alright.. I haven't taken a step yet in my quest to be me that I've regretted. All I've done so far is keep opening doors into sunshine that keeps getting brighter with every new door. I may spend a little too much time gazing into the rear-view mirror, but I would never want to go back to what I see there. It's flat-out all ahead or nothing. (Geez.... I guess I like my metaphors like I like my salads: well-mixed?)

Alright.... now I'm feeling guilty. I have got to make that packing happen. Thanks again for writing. Lol... I hope you don't regret it.

Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths,

Leslie

And finally� why am I doing this? Am I going to get addicted to surgery? Where does it stop?

Here�s what I think so far:

I could have bought a car with the money I'm spending on surgery. I don't want the pain. The cutting scares me. So does the anesthesia. And the war. And now, the new pneumonia.

But sweetheart, I didn't get to be a young woman. I can't tolerate the idea of beginning my life just in time for it to end unless I do absolutely everything I can do to make it complete. Or as complete as possible, at least.

I know plastic surgery can be addictive. I don't think that's a danger for me. I hate it too much. But I do think I'll probably have two more surgeries within the next five years... depending on if and when I lose the weight I want to lose. I'll have surgery to remove excess skin if it doesn't tighten up from my stomach and my thighs, and at the same time, if I need to, I'll have my face just tightened up a little bit it it's sagged.

Beyond that, I guess I'll finally have to learn to accept the alcoholics prayer. You know, the one that goes give me the courage to change what I can, the something or other to accept it if I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference? Well, I just think sometimes we give up too soon. I just won't give up until I'm whipped.

In the meantime, just like before, the hardest part is getting to the cutting room. After that, it's all healing. Or not.

I'm leaving on Friday, if the airlines will fly. I may be able to make a quick entry in my diary from the clinic in Chonburi, but then once I go into the hospital, I'll be out of touch for a week or ten days. Once I get out of there and go to my hotel in Pattaya, hopefully I'll be able to get out on the street and make an entry from an internet cafe.

I may check my mail, but I doubt if I'll write or answer much mail. It's too big of a hassle to do it from the web. So keep an eye on my diary. That's where I'll be writing.

Thanks for your prayers. Anything positive is appreciated.

Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths,

Leslie

So there�s how I spent my Sunday. Pack a little, write a little. Pack a little write a little. Fact is, the things I wrote in individual replies was really what I needed to write here anyway. Kind of like going on the record, I guess.

Thanks so much for all the comments, and kind ones at that, about my pictures. I almost never answer the comments under my entries or in my guestbook, but I definitely read every single one. I hang on them. They fuel my day. I�d say that getting a comment is more fun than sex but, to tell the truth, I�m not sure I remember what sex is like. Maybe it�s just as fun as sex. Maybe not. You decide�� Geez!

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