1:00 a.m. - Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002
Die Fat and Lose
Happy Thoughts:
I didn�t have time to be depressed and silly yesterday. I went over to Ann�s oldest son�s home and sat with here for a while as she baby-sat his two daughters. HE just married their mama, so even thought they are aged two and three, they�re new grandkids for Ann. They�re awfully cute and aren�t going to get much of a Christmas. Or maybe they are, and I�m just looking for an excuse to buy them each a baby doll I saw at Sam�s Club.
I hadn�t been home long after seeing the girls when another friend called to tell me she had come into a wealth of used clothing in my size and asked me to come go through them. I�m a sucker for free clothing, so I jumped in my van and rushed over there. I managed to keep a tight reign on my greed and came home just about dark with only one big garbage bag full of casual skirts, tops, dresses, and even a couple of really nice dressy dresses. And a casual jacket� something I really need.
Deep Breaths:
I didn�t even touch a Xmas card yesterday. I have to do this now that I�ve said I will. If I don�t get it done, I�ll feel worse than if I had never started it in the first place.
And even though I wasn�t crazy eating yesterday, I continue to gain weight. I�m seeing all the hard work of last spring and summer going down the toilet�. Or not. Depends on how you look at it. This can�t go on. I have got to get a grip on this problem. I know I can do it. It�s the very best beauty treatment I could give myself. Even better than plastic surgery.
Aside from the fact that I�m a complete hedonist, my problem is that I�m just such an all-or-nothing person. When I smoked, I smoked a lot. I never could just �cut down�. Then when I quit, I quit all the way, all at once. It wasn�t easy, but the blessing was that I didn�t have to smoke just a little bit. I could completely stop and still survive. Eating is a little tougher. I can stop eating right now, but eventually, I am going to have to eat something. And when I do, I�m going to collapse into a total binge. Yesterday, for instance, my day began with a single grape. I thought I could just taste one and then go about my business. Wrong. It�s like once I give in to some little tiny thing, my whole plan for the day is trashed. By the end of the day, I�m eating corn chips out of the bag. And I actually gain weight on corn chips. That�s the amazing thing. I�m not going to KFC for fried chicken. I�m not eating ice cream. I�m not even getting a decent bargain in the gratification versus progress department. I�m wasting my gratification on corn chips. Or cheese. Or, OK, I admit it� cans of Pirolette cookies. If I buy one, I�ll eat it the same day. Is this really worth being fat?
I�m going to change this. I can have all the PTSD I want to. I can be as isolated and unhappy as I can, but I�m going to change this. I�m going to be a normal-sized woman with PTSD instead of a fat one with PTSD. I�m going to be a normal sized depressed woman with PTSD. A normal-sized transsexual woman with depression and PTSD. I�ll be what ever I am, but I�m going to be it in a normal sized body. If I die fat, then I lose.
Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths., No cookies
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