4:49 p.m. - Friday, Nov. 01, 2002
One third less than the middle case scenario
Alright. By popular demand, and because I need to write it out so I can get on with the rest of my life, here�s how the picnic went:
The picnic started for me yesterday. I had to go out and buy potatoes, red onions, chives, Miracle Whip, sour cream, pickles and all the rest so I could make some kick-ass potato salad last night. And I did. That was a good thing. It was a reason for me to get out and it was a lucky thing I decided at the last minute to buy a couple bags of Almond Joy and Kit Kats in case a kid or two accidentally knocked on my door. My friend Kimberly tells me that with quality treats like Almond Joy and Kit Kats, word is bound to spread on the grape jelly-vine that my door is golden on Halloween. We�ll see� if I�m even still here next Halloween. Anyway, along with working my way out of a badly plugged kitchen sink because I insist on stuffing things that will not go down my cheap apartment-house disposal and stopping every few minutes to marvel at the youngsters at my door, I managed to whip out Ms Leslie�s famous carpetbagger potato salad. It�s only safe to eat at picnics, where calories don�t exist. Eaten at any other venue, this salad will add three pounds of fat and 40 points of cholesterol with every serving.
I had to move my Slim-Fast out of the refrigerator to make room for the salad. It�s just as well. I had a hundred and twenty cans on the top shelf and the shelf had broken, spilling cans of Slim-Fast on top of the cans of Diet Dr Pepper on the shelves below. It was good to put my hand on real food for a while.
This morning I got up at my normal times of 2:00 am, 3:00 am and 4:30 am. At 4:30 I made coffee and did cross stitch until it was too late to do my exercises or clean the kitchen. I ended up having to hurry myself to get a shower and dress for the picnic. I grabbed my salad and headed out into a cool and sunny October morning. Perfect weather.
I found the picnic area behind the VA�s local laundry facility. There�s no sign to tell where this area is. You just go into the laundry plant parking lot and then turn onto a narrow gravel track that leads back a quarter of a mile or more to a fabulous picnic area with a dozen or so large tables under a covered shelter, indoor restrooms, a ball field, horseshoe pits, a pond and large playing field. There�s even a large barbeque pit. The VA amazes me sometimes. I arrived just in time to help set out the huge amounts of food that Pam, the PTSD program assistant had brought and then to spend a little time chatting with another lady whose name I never did get. So far so good.
It wasn�t long before people started arriving in a steady stream. It was a very ordinary group of people. I think the only thing remarkable is that except for members of the VA staff, everyone was of the same age group. All of the vets looked like any other 50-ish guy. All were well dressed and almost all had a wife there too. The other thing remarkable, and probably the thing that sunk me was that all of these people knew each other and none of them knew me. That made it natural that they�d see each other, talk, joke and visit, and not see me. I wasn�t an oddity at all. I was just kinda invisible and too uneasy or unpracticed to just jump in and join a conversation. So the same old feelings I�ve had for so long came back to get me. I started feeling like an alien. There were too many people too, and that made me start to feel anxious. And since I seem to only have one outlet for expressing my feelings� tears�. Then it wasn�t long before I felt myself fighting tears. The very best I could do under those circumstances was to go get my salad and head for the truck. I cam home after only a half hour or so at the picnic.
I�m still glad I went. I�m disappointed that I couldn�t just let go and enjoy myself. I�m sorry I didn�t find someone there to visit with and make a new friend. But even so, at least I DID go. I gave it a shot and even though I came home crying, at least I gave myself an opportunity to practice being with people. Maybe next time will be a little easier. I Just have to keep trying.
Anyway� here it is 4:45 now, and I haven�t done the first thing in my routine. No exercising, no dilating, no housecleaning, nothing. So maybe the thing to do is pretend for a while that it�s 4:45 in the a.m. and just get busy with my daily stuff. My next big thing in on Tuesday when I�m to go to New Orleans and take part as a member of a panel of Transgendered people in front of a university class. I can�t go to a tearless picnic. I wonder how Tues night is going to work out.
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