6:44 a.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2002
Ms Leslie talks to herself...... and answers!
I may have learned that I am my own best friend and that�s fine. But I�m also my own worst enemy and I�ve had a lot more practice at that.
So now, here I am; getting depressed and all into my funkiness again because I�m not losing weight. I�m feeling weak and stupid because I can�t control this aspect of myself for more than a day at a time. And of course, there�s no better cure for weakness and stupidity, is there, than to stand at the kitchen counter covering crackers with butter and white sugar and eating them whole one after the other? No, of course not. If you want to feel strong and smart, nothing beats raw fat and processed sugar�. Not.
So I need to stop and ask myself, as I�ve asked so many others I�ve found to be in need of my gratuitous and usually unheeded advice: �If your best friend had this problem, what would you say to her?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Nothing�s changed. I still have no self control. I still can�t lose weight or stop eating. My chances of ever being small are nil. I�ll never be happy.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Umm� excuse me, but I don�t think you�re looking at the big picture here.�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yes I am. I�m looking at my whole life and all I see are a series of failures. I�ve never gotten it right. I never will.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Well, let�s not worry about your whole life right now. Let�s just talk about today and how we are going to lose weight. Do you remember where we were just six short weeks ago?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yes. We were in the hospital. Just waking up after surgery. We were puking and sore and very tired.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �That�s right. And what did we do about healing and feeling better?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Well, we pushed as hard as we could. First to get out of the hospital and then to get out of our room and go see some of Thailand.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Yep� right again. In the hospital, we refused pain medication until the pain was unbearable, and then in Pattaya, we ate pain pills like candy so we could go out and eat the food, see the gardens, buy souvenirs and all of that. Then we traveled to Bangkok by car and took a brutal flight back to California. Remember how that flight hurt?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yes. I couldn�t sit down, even on my donut. I spent the whole fifteen hours pushing against the legs on the seat ahead of me so as to keep my butt off of my own seat. I thought I would never make it home.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Yes. And then in California, while we were supposed to be gathering strength for the final leg of our trip home, we spent our time running back and forth to care for Dominic and laying under the bathroom sink, trying to fix a leak for mom. Remember?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yes, I remember. Every time I got down on the floor my head would spin and everything would go dark for a minute. Then, when I tried to get up again, I would have to hold onto the sink while the spinning went away again. It was kind of funny too�. I didn�t have the strength to turn the water valve onto the nipple, even with a pipe wrench.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �So, it would be fair to say, wouldn�t it, that we never really got to seriously rest until we got back here to Mississippi on October the 7th?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yeah� it would be fair. It felt weird to be in my own bed with no one and no thing to worry about. God.. I sure was sore� and tired.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Yeah.. well stay with me here. I�m almost done: Now, how many days did you rest before you got on your air bike and tried to exercise with it?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Umm� I rode it for one minute on the morning of the tenth, so it wasn�t even three days. When I put my butt on that seat and started to pedal, I was trembling and sweaty. It really hurt me.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Yeah, I know. I was there. It hurt me too. But you didn�t let that stop you, did you? You did the full minute.�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yep!�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Well.. here�s the thing�. You, or I guess I should say we� don�t have any business even pushing ourselves so hard. Of course we can�t lose weight. Our body is still riddled with stitches that have yet to dissolve and disappear. We are still healing. Because of that, we crave protein, among other things, and we aren�t moving around hardly at all. Whatever we eat that isn�t used for healing is just going to go to storage� fat. But for goodness� sake� this is NORMAL. We�re exercising every day. Every day a little more. We�re getting stronger and more active. It might take a couple of weeks, but we�re going to come to that point where our daily activity coupled with our ever increasing exercise schedule is going to tip the balance and begin to exceed our caloric intake. It just isn�t going to happen right this minute. IN the meantime, it really doesn�t make good sense to try to starve and starve until our body demands nutrition and sends us on a binge. Doing it like that is only going to set us back, and make us feel what?�� Weak and stupid.�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Well, maybe so, but I refuse to give up. I�m not going to stand still and watch my weight go up and up. We both know that I need to feel in control. I can�t be out of control like this.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �I know, I know. Settle down. I have a plan. Tell me if you think it might work, OK?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Hmmmmmmm�� alright�
BEST FRIEND ME: �OK� how about if we keep exercising just like we�ve been doing. We can back off a little bit on the starvation and just go ahead and eat what seems healthy and sensible without getting all freaked out by the calories. We can step on the scales each day and see if we�re losing or gaining. I know� we�ll probably be gaining, but each time we see a weight gain, we can add one minute to our daily air bike ride. Completing that extra exercise will make us feel good.. and in control� and at the same time it�ll help us get stronger and more active so our calorie burning will increase. I don�t see how we can lose, as long as we keep at it on a daily basis. Can we do that?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �Yeah, I think we can. All I really need to do is to try not to feel like I don�t have a grip when I eat something. I need to remember that I can eat anything I want to, as long as I work for it. Like those athletes who eat tons of stuff and don�t gain weight. They work for all those calories by training so hard.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Good! Let�s give it a shot, OK?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �OK. I�m game.
BEST FRIEND ME: �Oh, and one more thing: If you do start feeling weak and stupid�. Let�s talk about it, OK? I�d like to show you that you� and I�. Are far from weak OR stupid. We�re survivors, baby, and now we�ve survived almost long enough that we can start to live. Let�s not blow it now. OK?�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �OK, I�ll try.�
BEST FRIEND ME: �Good. Now I just have one more thing to say; Something I don�t think I�ve ever said before; ������..I love you.�
WEAK AND STUPID ME: �?????????�
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