10:20 a.m. - Sunday, Sept. 29, 2002
Ms Leslie gives herself a fright.
Yes, life is still good, but I do need to be careful. I forget where I am sometimes. I let my guard down and it gets me when I least expect it.

Last night we went to a nearby restaurant to have a snack and watch the Thai dancers, fire eaters and so on. I had a zombie, which came in a goblet held in the mouth of a zombie carved from a whole pineapple, complete with lime and cherry eyes, and orchid headdress and holding a cross made from the heart of the pineapple. Very cute. Very potent, and at less than two dollars, very, very cheap. I wasn't awfully hungry, so I just ordered some random soup from the menu. It came in a big metal warmer with a candle underneath. Calling the steaming liquid studded with whole prawns, crab legs, pungent leaves and strong galangel root soup would be about as descriptive as calling Disney World an amusement park. Not too spicy this time, the soup was salty and sour at the same time. There's something about Thai food. The dish always tastes so much better than the ingredients. Everything stacks up somehow and makes a new taste that transcends it all. Aww.... I just can't put it in words. Let's just say the soup was good.

The dancing was nice too. We sat at the table closest to the low stage, where we could see everything really well. The costumes, the amazing way they use their hands, and even the expressions on their faces... and that's what turned out to be a problem.

When we went to the orchind gardens, we saw a similar show. Included among the acts was a swordfighting routine between two male actors. They used real steel swords and slashed at each other as if they truly meant to kill. With every clash of the swords, sparks flew in bright arcs. The fighters were beyond stunt men. Sure they were rehearsed to perfection, but still, I got the idea they were living on the edge with every performance. The best result to be expected if one of them forgot a move would be a finger hacked off. The worst might be a very bad belly wound. Well anyway, at the restaurant, we found ourselves sitting very close to the stage and watching this same kind of routine performed by different fighters. It was fairly exciting so see them fighting so vigorously and earnestly up close. The sparks were flying over our heads. But then I happened to see their faces. With all the realism of a real battle, the young men were wearing what I can only describe as their war faces. Menacing, aggressive, cruel.... somehow, those faces took me where I did not want to go. I went from knowing Thailand as the land of smiles, where everyone, male and female alike, wishes only to be accomodating and helpful, back to another place and time, when young asian men very much like these young guys were an electrifying threat. I suddenly found myself paralyzed with fear, staring into my soup and moving a shrimp tail around and around. That too is a familiar response for me.

I desperately wanted that act to end. No one noticed that I was fighting tears as I made myself stay seated, waiting for the dancers to stop. Like the monster under the bed, I felt I could get through this moment if I just didn't look or confront it. And then the music stopped and I saw one of the fighters approaching our table. This was part of the act at the gardens, I remembered. They chose a girl from the audience to do battle with one of the actors. From a distance, it had been funny. The young Japanese girl eventually gaining nerve with her sword and running the actor off the stage to the wild delight of the audience. Up close, though, as he asked my sister to go to the stage, it was terriyfing to me. Sis declined, as you might expect, and I could feel him looking at me. I lowered my head almost to the table and refused even to make eye contact with him until thankfully, he moved on to another table in search of a mock fighting partner.

It's such a small thing, really, but it left me shaken and depressed. I can't talk to anyone about it. Mom and Sis would not only not understand, but would use the information somehow to only make matters worse. So no one knows I stayed up all night last night, fighting back the panic and the memories and trying to get back to the high I was on just hours ago. I think I can do it, but I just have to remember that the things that are going to get me aren't the things I'm prepared for. They're the things I don't expect. I have to remember to breathe when it happens.

Today I'm going to take a vacation from my vacation. I'm heading back to my room where I think I'll spend the day just finding my mellow again. Room service is always big help there. I don't have to leave at all if I don't want to. Just like my little apartment in Mississippi. Today's Sunday here. I"m checking out on Tues and returning to Chonburi for my second and final checkup with Dr Suporn. I'll spend Tues night in Chonburi, Wed and Thurs night in Bangkok and then catch my flight to the US on Friday, which is Thursday to you. I'll be back in California on Friday,, which will then be Friday for both of us. I hate to leave and I'll be glad to leave. Mostly I hate to leave. My problems with the orient are my problems, not theirs. Mostly these are good folks.... although fierce negotiators who will con you out of your very marrow if they can. I love 'em anyway.

Leslie

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