3:59 p.m. - Sunday, Aug. 18, 2002
Ms Leslie... despondant and morose again.
Ten days left before I start the journey to Thailand. I think it�s probably even not too early to start packing.

All the questions have been asked. Answers found. Money has changed hands. The only thing that seems to be missing is how I, Ms Leslie feel about what�s about to happen.

Logically, intellectually, medically and psychologically, I�m a transsexual, being troubled by my own body and the way I�ve felt forced to conform to an image I didn�t match. Other people seem to understand this pretty well. People who are more educated and experienced than I have spent a lot of time with me and have thought that I meet the criteria for GID, the only treatment for which is surgery for the correction of my sexual organs. People around me, both new friends and old, and family, seem fairly comfortable with this whole concept and they support me in my efforts to get treatment and relief. As far as we are all concerned, it�s a done deal� and it�s the right thing to do.

Yet something is missing still, and I can�t figure it out. After all the time and trouble; after all the obstacles and challenges met, I should think I�d feel something about the imminent surgery, one way or the other. But I don�t seem to feel anything.

If I felt sick or scared, I would know that maybe I�m making a mistake, even after a lifetime of wanting this. In the end, I could rely on my feelings and re-evaluate before it�s really truly too late. On the other hand, if I felt excited and anxious to get things moving, I would know I�m close to something that�s going to be maybe the most positive thing that�s ever happened to me. I could swallow any fear I have about hospitals and surgery and walk confidently into the future.

But I feel nothing. The biggest thing on my mind is the flight itself. How long.. how much more security� how safe. I�m not in any big hurry to insert myself into the air transportation system. That�s all.

I�ve spent several days thinking about this and trying to sort it out. Now I think I know what�s going on.

My life hasn�t stopped while I get ready to go to Thailand. I must have some strong emotions about this surgery, but I think they�re stuck at the back of the line. I have too many things to feel right now, so, just like I�ve always done under stress, I�ve just blanked them all out. There are, in fact, a number of things I don�t feel anything about.

I need to feel angry at my oldest son because even though I�ve been advertising my intent to leave the country during the late summer/early fall of this year, he chose to schedule his wedding for the exact time I�ll be gone. I need to feel angry at him too for not having the maturity to allow me to be myself; Call it return anger for his anger at me for not staying the father he wants me to be� even though I rarely hear from him or see him.

I need to feel angry too, that my ex-wife is able to come to Mississippi with my granddaughter for my son�s wedding. I haven�t seen my granddaughter for going on three years.

I really need to feel angry at both of my parents for probably the same kinds of things that we all feel angry with our parents about. Somewhere along the line, I skipped over anger and went right to forgiveness. That was awfully big of me, I know, but I wonder if it was the best thing.

I need to feel sad that I�m losing my relationship with Ann. We�re trying to be girlfriends, but the fact is, I see less and less of her each week. I hate that. No one knows me better. It hurts that she doesn�t care to spend time with me, just to spend time.

I need to feel some good feelings too. Pride that I stopped smoking and that I�ve lost oodles of weight. Few people could do what I�ve done, yet I don�t feel the joy, only disgust that I can�t do more, faster, better.

All in all, I guess I just need to feel� period, end of sentence. And before I can start to feel, I need to care.

Where shall I start?

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