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12:55 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 14, 2002
Ms Leslie..... silly or brilliant?
I�ve been learning about kindness for the last half-year or so. Before that, I�ve had a dismal opinion of people. I felt that all people are basically animals, with an innate tendency towards terrible cruelty. I thought that we had to control that tendency in order to be able to live near each other in the great human experiment called society. Some of us are able to control our vicious natures better than others, but I�ve always thought that each person, no matter how non-violent had a price of sorts, for which he would happily kill me. Some would slide a knife between my ribs on speculation that I might have a twenty in my purse. Other�s would harm me only to protect their family� or their religion. Or they�d hurt me only if they felt justified by their society. Like a terrorist or some enemy soldier. I�m pretty sure I came by this philosophy about people not from my experience as a transsexual, but from my time in Vietnam, where I had the misfortune of seeing this violent side of people.. including myself.

It�s been really hard to expose myself to people because of this attitude of mine. No one gets close to me. I don�t trust them. But in the last six months, I�ve seen signs that I might be wrong. People do have the capability of tremendous cruelty and violence, but they don�t necessarily have that tendency. Some people are kind by nature. Some people are kind when they don�t have to be. Some people will touch me it I let them.

I started realizing this last Xmas, when I went to the gay bar for an AIDS benefit. Read my old diary entry �Ms Leslie goes to a gay bar� if you�re interested in the beginnings of this new feeling of mine.

So�. I�m learning not to do the very thing I accuse others of doing. I�m learning not to pre-judge or condemn people I don�t know� before I even meet them. I like to think I have some small courage, but I�m learning that it takes nearly all I have to expose myself to people without the expectation that they will belittle or reject me. It takes real courage to allow people to decide for themselves how they�ll react to me.

There�s a downside: If I leave myself open to others and they choose to be cruel, it can hurt so much more. I�m not protected. I�m not used to being unprotected. But oh, there�s a reward too, and it�s huge. When I allow someone to be kind, I feel for a moment that I�m not an alien on the planet after all. I see� and feel�. What it means to be human, and I begin to understand it. It�s a crazy-wild mixture of emotions. I still cry sometimes.

Anyway, I�ve been thinking of all this lately, and wondering what I can do to recognize and appreciate those who seem to have this unnecessary kindness. There�s very little I CAN do, but this one crazy idea has been rolling around in my head for several days: I can take a hint from Harvard and Yale by conferring upon selected people the title of �Honorary Transsexual�.

Silly? Of course! But less silly are the rights and privileges that come with the title. They are some of the very same rights and privileges I claim for myself. If chosen as an Honorary Transsexual you would have the right to:

- Ask for what you want.

- Be seen�.. in all the aspects the word suggests.

- Cry whenever you want and for any reason or no reason at all. Cry, even while you�re laughing at yourself for crying over nothing.

- Speak up when the time is right and try to explain to others that there is a difference between sex and gender. Point out whenever possible that there are more than two discrete categories for sex. Intersexed children are born every day with a truly amazing array of genetic, physical and emotional factors which make assigning them to one of two sexes extremely difficult.

- Dress and groom yourself as you see fit. Wear the styles and fabrics that feel most comfortable to you. Cut your hair the way you want to.

- Feel pretty (or handsome).

- Urinate from the position and into the plumbing fixture that you deem to fit your needs best. Complain bitterly if others leave the toilet seat up. Resist stubbornly putting it down, saying that the person who uses it down should be the one to put it down. (Understand, by the way, that using a urinal in a public restroom is not a requirement for being a man. Many men never use a urinal. No one ever looks twice at a guy who goes into a stall. They just try to hurry and get out before the grunting and farting starts).

- Use your hands when you speak.

- Dance, with or without a partner or with a partner of any sex. With or without music.

- Sing, under the same conditions noted above

- Respect, if not love. Respect for others, respect for yourself, respect FROM others, and respect from yourself.

- Hope for love. No one has a right to be loved, but we have the right to hope for it and to seek it.

- Live. As an honorary transsexual, your right to live is slightly curtailed. There are people out there who feel that even a transsexual sympathizer should die. But within the confines of an increased risk of death or discrimination, you have the right to live fully and freely while you can. There are never any guarantees in life. Not for anyone.

So, how to become an H.T.?�� Maybe in one of the same ways that we transsexuals find ourselves with that label.

1. Decide you are one and ask to be recognized or

2. Wait until a transsexual recognizes your qualities and confers the title on you.

What do you think? Stupid idea? Drop me a line and let me know, OK?

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