5:56 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 26, 2002
Ms Leslie writes rwo days in a row!
Deana is a friend of mine. As far as I know, she�s the only other transsexual in the immediate area. Or at least she�s the only other one who�s able to go full out after transition and SRS. It hasn�t been easy for her. She�s had to work as a mechanic at an auto dealership to earn a living while she�s tried to transition. To hear her talk about the way the other mechanics talk to her and the way they�ve treated her would break your heart. I can�t imagine going day after day in to work knowing that each day would be filled with comments, jeers and the most awful graffiti around the shop. Talk about courage.

Last time we had a girls� night out in Biloxi, Deana was having a lot of pain in her hips. It was bad enough that she went to the doctor a day or two later, only to find out that she had some kind of degenerative disease in her hip joints. A few days after that, she was in surgery to clean some of the diseased bone from her right hip joint and to explore the extent of the damage. That was a couple of weeks ago. Since then she�s been in a wheelchair, unable to walk. She�s to stay off her feet for a total of eight weeks before more x-rays and examinations to see where she�s to go from here. Her employer placed her on unpaid medical leave. If she can get better, I think her job will still be there, but in the meantime she has no income and little or no savings to carry her through this ordeal. She�s worse than alone, living in her trailer with an alcoholic boyfriend who isn�t working and who does little to help her. It goes without saying that she can no longer afford to have electrolysis or to see her doctor or buy her hormones. Her progress towards becoming her true self is stopped dead.

At one time, I felt a lot of jealousy towards Deana. She�s a tiny thing, able to fit into the smallest sizes, and she�s so sociable and outgoing that whenever she�s in a group, she�s surrounded by other people, listening and laughing at her stories. I�m not feeling so jealous these days; Just the opposite. I�m feeling very very fortunate that I have my steady income, that it�s for life, and that I don�t have to submit myself to the ordeals of the workplace to get it� and I�m feeling truly blessed that my health problems are so small as to not make my progress and transition possible. I wouldn�t trade places with Deana for anything.

I called her on the phone yesterday to see how she was doing. I haven�t seen her since I visited her at the hospital and my phone messages have gone unanswered. When I finally did make contact, she sounded awfully depressed. She�s got nothing good going for her at all right now. So I got directions to her trailer and told her I would come out to see her for a while. Unfortnately� as I so often do, I got my directions screwed up and couldn�t find her. I drove around for over an hour trying to find my way, but since I had left the house without her phone number, I ended up coming home. I called her and got the directions again� hopefully right this time. I�ll try again to see her today.

Other than that, nothing of note happened yesterday. I had a two hour session of electrolysis and my face is still swollen and red from that. I don�t think I�m up to many of those. I have an appointment for one more double session, but beyond that, I think I�ll stick to hour sessions. I�m trying to get in two of them each week, instead of only one. I�m really anxious to get to the point of not having to shave ever again. I�m almost there. I no longer need to shave every day. I still need to shave certain areas of my face every few days though. I�m so tired of that.

And when I stopped to pick up a few groceries� I got seriously flirted with by a nice guy who stood behind me in the checkout line. When the cashier asked me if I had one of their shopping cards, I replied that I didn�t, and the guy behind me had the checker use his card. It saved me a couple of bucks and was a very sweet thing for him to do. He asked my name, where I was from, and we spent a few minutes chatting while my food was being priced. He was funny� showing me items from his basket that he could have bought for what his card had saved me. It was all very harmless and fun. It�s still so new to me, seeing guys act that way towards me. It�s flattering, and it generally leaves me tongue-tied and happy. But new as it is, it still DOES happen from time to time, and each time, I�m a little more ready to deal with it. I�m able to talk a little more easily. And God help me, I do love it. It�s a totally new side I�m seeing of men. I only thought I understood guys. I was wrong. I only understood them from one perspective. And just because I was raised as one and lived as one for so many years, my experience as a guy did nothing to prepare me for this. I thought I understood women too. I was just as wrong. As I am accepted more and more by other women, I�m learning that they too have another whole side to them. Women walk in two worlds. They are one way with men� even men they know and trust. And they are another way when they are alone with each other. The things they will say!.. And the things they will talk about! It�s enough to make a seasoned sailor blush. They treat each other differently too. It�s like a secret society. They call each other sweetie or hon. Even an act as simple as buying a coke at a convenience store is an exercise in connection-building. It�s as if every woman I meet is an instant sister.

Surely women must be competitive too, but I think it must be over different things. I think women generally don�t compete for money or power. They compete over men and relationships, maybe. And since I am learning that all women hate themselves and their bodies, I think there is a certain amount of jealousy towards other women who seem younger or prettier than they. I know I feel that. I don�t think I am the only one. I�ve never been in competition over a guy before, so I�ve not experienced the treatment women can deal out to each other in that respect. I have an idea though, that they can be vicious in that regard. I hope I never find out. I don�t think there�s much chance of it anyway. I�m no threat to any genetic woman in that area.

So anyway� it all ties in to the spiritual aspect of transsexuality. I�ve said it before and I�ll repeat it now. For all it�s challenges and uncertainty, I often feel honored to have the chance to cross this bridge between two worlds. It�s something very few people get to experience and it�s often full of wonder and surprise. It�s a shame that most of us live our lives without really knowing each other. We don�t fully understand ourselves or our own gender and we never understand fully where the opposite gender lives. Without the opportunity to transition from one to the other, most of us live half-alone. No one really knows anyone. We only know one side of them. It�s truly a shame.

Oh�. And last thing� I got a call last night from Laura, my new friend from Baton Rouge. It was great to hear her voice. We spent a long time chatting.

She�s in an accelerated program training her to teach in public school. I think she�ll be a great teacher�. The kind that kids remember for the rest of their lives and come back to after many years to say thank you for having a positive impact in their lives. She�ll be a great teacher� but a horrible employee. She�s a capable rebel.. the worst kind. She can�t tolerate ineptitude and thus can�t respect her supervisors. Meaningless rules make her crazy and she has a very hard time not expressing her frustration to the administration or her peers. As time goes by, I see her becoming a ringleader in pressing for improvements in education and perhaps in employee benefits. She�d probably make a pretty good union representative, although her true interest will always lie with the students more than the other teachers. Her students are going to love her. Her principals and other administrators are going to find her to be a great pain in the ass, but they�ll hesitate to take action against her because they�ll recognize her ability to teach and teach well.

I love to hear and read her comments as she works her way day by day through her training. Unless her supervisors spend a lot of time reading through transsexuals� diaries, I think I�m probably a safe person to vent her frustrations to.. as well as her pride in accomplishment. I can only hope that helps her get through her day without going off on someone who could hurt her chances of success as a teacher. If it does, then I get a little tiny share of her success for having been there as her sounding board. And I think she will succeed. She�s found her niche, I think, and I can�t wait to see how it all plays out for her as time goes on.

OK� that�s it for now. Today�s hormone shot day. I have to get it ready and then suck it up while I plunge a 22 gauge needle two inches into my butt and push a milliliter of honey-thick oil and hormones into my muscle. It never seems to get any easier. I guess this is one of the reasons I get angry whenever someone says transsexuality is a choice. That�s just maddening BS. No one would ever choose this� but then that�s another entry.

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