5:33 a.m. - Friday, May. 17, 2002
Ms Leslie Lives!
I keep letting the days get by without writing anything in my diary. Typical me. I�ve got to do better.

I�ve been having some great e-mails from Ann�s daughter Mike. We�ve known each other a long time, but never really connected on any level. Now she lives in far away Baton Rouge, but maybe the longer distance between us physically makes it easier to get closer emotionally. She started it by sending me a short e-mail. She said, �What happens, Leslie, when you finally get what you want?�

Pretty short note, but significant. It was the first sign that she even knew what I want, or that she had any interest in knowing what I want, or why, or anything about me. I was flattered and encouraged. I�ve always liked Mike, and respected her, but because of the age difference, my involvement with her mother, and the fact that she moves in different circles, I felt that I existed only on the fringes of her life at best. I wanted to just kind of deluge her with a bunch of explanations of how I felt and gratitude that she cared enough to ask and all such as that, but instead I sent a short and somewhat cryptic reply; "I�ll be seen�.

So then she asked me another question, to the effect that if they (the family, I assume) saw me �that way�, would I still get the operation. That question triggered a longer explanation from me about how people see me as opposed to how I see myself. Before I knew it, we were writing long letters back and forth.

The result of all this is that I think we are connecting at last. As it turns out, all this time she has assumed I didn�t like her. Amazing. I think in the last week or so, we�ve each learned a lot about each other�. And accepted what we�ve learned. I�m really happy to add Mike to the list of people with whom I feel a real connection. No way can we keep up the long letters every day. Jamie, her husband is gone for a few weeks, so she has a little extra time, but there�s lots of other things for her.. and me� to do. But after the letters taper off, I think we will still have that connection.

I expanded my social circle too, when I agreed to barter some handyman services for electrolysis at my electrologist�s house. I spent the day with Sandy and her partner Kim. I had met Kim only briefly, but while I worked around the house, I got a chance to know her a lot better. I found her to be delightful, and I think she lied me as well. She�s totally outspoken and uninhibited. Whatever comes to her mind is what comes out of her mouth. That might be disconcerting to some, but I get a kick out of it. We also share some experiences in common, like leaving our respective long-time spouses and the pain that comes from that change� and the pain and uncertainty of dealing with our kids and families from a new and very different standpoint.

Having finished the work list, I left Sandy and Kim in the early evening, carrying a box of used clothes, makeup samples, a book on BDSM and even a frozen chicken. But the best gift of all was their stated intention of inviting me over soon for a barbeque. I hope they do. I would enjoy spending more time with both of them.

Beyond all that, I continue to exercise, eat small and lose weight. I�m a little surprised and impressed with myself that I�ve really been sticking to my plan and having success. I had been having a hard time getting under 230, but for the last week, I�ve been hovering around 225. I can see and feel the progress I�m making. I just hope I can keep it up and get down close to 170 by September. The clinic said they would consider doing my surgery at 190. They would prefer 170. I can do that. My goal is 132. That�s going to take a while, but I think I can eventually do that too.

It�s been disconcerting. As I�ve demolished the obstacles to surgery until the last remaining one, which is my weight, I�ve been forced to consider what I�m doing almost minute by minute. The idea of flying for twenty five hours to a far off country to spend my only savings on drastic and painful surgery to irrevocably modify the only genitals I�ve ever had is so outrageous and scary, It�s hard to think that this is the right thing to do. But then I consider my options, which are pretty few. I can stay like I am, or I can revert as much as possible to living as a man. The other option, which is always there, I guess, is that I can throw myself in front of a train and end the worry of being anything at all. Staying the same isn�t an option. I can�t live like this; neither one sex or the other. It�s just not acceptable. It�s too lonely. And living as a man is no option either. I could live as a man, but I�ll never feel like one. And now that I�ve experienced life as a woman, I could never be satisfied. I�ve come too far. I�ve allowed myself to be in on my own life�s secret and can never take it back. Every honest feeling, every interaction with men or women that I�ve ever had all make sense in the context of me being female. As a male, they all seem nonsensical or bizarre. As a woman, life makes sense in a way that it never did as a man.

So that leaves the train option. It�s always there, and it�s a viable one. Like an old friend, it seems to appear most often when I�m discouraged, frustrated or depressed. I�ve come close a few times, but even when life doesn�t seem so attractive, there�s always this curiosity about what might happen ten minutes from now, or a day from now. And that curiosity, I guess, keeps me around. As long as I can see some hope that tomorrow might be different from today, and as long as I feel interested in finding out if it will be, then I guess the train card won�t be played. And so, I�m back to the surgery option. Not only is it the best option, it�s the only one. I�m finding a commitment for it that only grows day by day. I hate to face it, but I guess my weight truly is symbolic of my commitment. Even though I felt I truly wanted this surgery, something inside me was holding back by making it impossible to lose even a pound. Good Lord, I went clear up to 262 lbs at one time. But now, as I gain confidence in my commitment and really truly feel it�s the best course of action, I�m finding that it�s easier to stick to my schedule of exercises. It�s easier to be hungry, and it�s easier to dream about my new birthday. Now I am feeling that Ill just be glad when it�s over and I can get on with life.

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