5:47 a.m. - Monday, Mar. 25, 2002
Ms Leslie sleeps
I didn�t get everything done that I had hoped yesterday, but I got the most important stuff done. Painting in the bathroom is finished, new light fixture, medicine cabinet, sink and faucets are in place, and the toilet is cleaned up and re-set. I just need to hang the new blinds and then re-install the shower curtain rod, towel holders and TP dispenser. Ann will clean the floor one more time and seal the grout. The tub is pretty nasty too. That needs to be cleaned up.

We�ll go to pottery today and then I can finish those things in the afternoon. Then, finally, we can start painting that big ol� kitchen/dining area. It never ends. I wonder if it ever will.

I�m getting a little stronger. I can work harder and longer, but I still came home last night with tired bones and an aching back. I couldn�t get to sleep because of it, so I broke down and took one of my sleeping pills. They knock me out alright, but the sleep is drugged, and always leaves me feeling dopey in the morning. Still, that�s better than not sleeping at all and then trying to be interested in getting through another day.

No word from Eric about his wedding yet. I need to know how many people will attend and how much he feels he will need for the rehearsal dinner and booze. This is his second wedding. I�m not obligated to contribute, but I think I�ll give a modest amount� maybe $500 for him to use as he sees fit. I also need to know if I am invited to the wedding. I�ve had some time to examine my thoughts and feelings about this and I�ve come to the conclusion that I need to continue being me, no matter how hard that might be. I can�t feel right about myself if I can�t be me, even at a wedding. Eric may prefer that I stay away and if he does, I�ll respect that. But the option of my attending, but dressing as a man just isn�t on the table. I can�t do it. In some ways, it would be easier for everyone concerned if I didn�t attend. It would be pretty uncomfortable to be exposed to all of his friends as well as all of Danielle�s friends as a transexual woman.. the father of the groom. It�ll take a lot of courage for him to ask me to come, and a lot of courage for me to go.

On the other hand, I�ve found people so far to be pretty accepting. Chances are that once the initial shock is over, people will respond pretty well. They have so far. An awful lot of that depends on me and how I present myself.

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