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6:35 a.m. - Sunday, Mar. 03, 2002
Ms Leslie at the Gay Bar

I�ve missed a couple of days of entries. It�s been a busy week. In keeping with my lazy nature, here is a copy of the letter I just wrote to my sister this morning. I�ve been threatening to tell her about my trip to a gay bar last Xmas:

Oh gosh... I forgot to tell you about the gay bar!

It's been so long, I'm not even sure it's a good story anymore. Let's see if I can remember it:

There are, of course, a slew of gay bars in New Orleans, but only a few over here in Mississippi; Three that I can think of. I've never spent much time in any of them. I don't feel that I fit in. There is one, though, that I've been to a few times during the day. It's called 'Just Us' in Biloxi. It's a pretty quiet place in the daytime or on week nights. It's a really small place with a bar, a dozen or so tables, and a tiny little platform that serves as a stage to the miniscule dance floor.

After I moved into my apartment, I discovered that I have a neighbor who thinks she's a woman. I refer to her as 'she' as that is her preference, even though she lives her life as a man except for a few occasions, like the monthly meeting in New Orleans of the gender group I'm in. She comes over two or three times a week and has coffee with me. She's loony as a jaybird, but I'm glad for the company, I guess. She does kind of keep an eye on me, and if she doesn't see me or see my truck move once in a while, she comes to check on me. That's kind of nice when you live alone. Her name is Karen.

Anyway.. one of the things Karen has been doing for a number of years is performing a song (lip-sync) at the annual Xmas party and AIDS benefit at Just Us. She had been talking about the upcoming party since summer; trying to decide what to wear, what song to do, etc. As the party grew nearer, she extracted a promise from me that I would come out to the bar and watch her perform.

I wasn't feeling very social at Xmas. I think I've explained some of the reasons. In the past, I would get depressed and not know exactly why. During the last few years, I've come to understand why. It's a very emotional time for me. But I had made a promise, so on the Fri before Christmas, I put on one of my jumpers, fixed my hair and drove over to the bar.

As it turned out, I was a couple of hours early for the show, but Karen was already there, so I sat at a table along the wall and talked to her while the bar filled up. As it did, I noticed that the patrons were pretty evenly divided between gay men and lesbian women. Many of the gay men were drag queens, which is a kind of subgroup of men who wear dresses. Drag Queens identify as gay men. They don't think they are women at all. Impersonating women is a kind of a hobby with them.. and also sometimes a way to attract some gay men. Gay men who fantasize about being straight, I guess. Who knows? Anyway, it was amusing to note that half of the gay men were dressed as women and nearly all of the lesbians were dressed as men. A mormon boy could get awfully confused in here.

As I watched the scene, it was apparent that most of these people knew each other well. It was like this oversized family reunion from the pages of a Lewis Caroll novel. everyone was as nice as they could be, though, and the mood was big-time festive. Oh.. and there was food too. A long table of holiday fare catered by the local Quizno's sandwich shop. Delicious.

As the last hour before the show elapsed, I began to see some new girls arriving. All of them were dressed to the nines in very glamorous clothes, all covered in gold or red sequins, with feather wraps and salon hair. Some were really beautiful. Most, though, were really pretty tall and had really hairy arms; the kind you like. I was introduced to a few, and their hearty booming voices made mine sound like a ten-year-old choirboy.

By now, the place was packed.. which in this tiny bar means there were maybe a hundred people there; certainly no more than that. Moving around was almost impossible. I was fairly trapped at my table against the wall. The juke box was blaring and couples were dancing on the floor.... the degree of bawdiness and abandon being determined mostly by the liquor content of the dancer. It seemed, at first, a little odd that none of the dancing couples were of the opposite sex. Guys were dancing with guys and some pretty masculine women were dancing with other women.. some masculine and some very feminine. Odd at first, but pretty soon, it would have seemed odd to see a hetero couple out there.

The show started late. Everything about the place had turned chaotic, but eventually, they got all the perfomers together. All the girls had their make-up right, hair (or wig) sprayed down and the proper amount of tissue stuffed in the right places. By now, Karen, who hadn't practiced or rehearsed her song even once, was a nervous wreck. I did mention that she was looney. SHe was lucky that a few girls would perform ahead of her.

The acts were all essentially the same. A drag queen would come to the front and lip-sync to a Christmas song of one kind or another while the patrons came up and handed her money for the benefit. In the bright stage lights, most of them really looked pretty good..... from a distance. A couple of them looked more than just good, and one; Miss Transgendered Something-or-Other from upstate, was absolutely stunning. Any man would have lusted after her. And so it went for a half a dozen songs or so, until it came time for Karen.

She had elected at the last moment to do 'Twelve Days of Christmas'....... all twelve verses!!! Unlike the others, she wore a cute white denim jumper outfit with a red blouse and a santa hat. Also, unlike the others, she's 57 years old. And even though she's a regular at the Xmas bash, she doesn't go to the bar otherwise.. so she's not well known there.

When she took the floor, she was pale and visibly trembling. ALmost as soon as the record started, she forgot the words to the song and all but gave up trying to do any kind of dancing or 'moves'. This was obviously going to be a disaster! The audience sat stunned for a few moments. During all the previous songs, there had been a steady stream of people coming to the stage with money for the singer, but for the first two verses of Karen's song, there was nothing. I don't think she even noticed though. She was almost catatonic with fear. My guess is she was realizing that she had an awful long time to go to finish all the verses of this song.

Then someone stepped up and put some bills into her hand. Then someone else. Within seconds, the floor was jammed with people pressing money into her hands. They were showering her with money and encouragment... all the way through that dumb song! Then they started singing along with her... practically drowning out the recording. And then, at the very end, they all sang "AND A PARRRRRTRIDDDGE INNNN A PEARRRRRRR TREE!!!!!" and broke out in wild applause!!

It was at that moment I realized I was sitting in a room with a bunch of genuinely kind people. Whatever else they might be, they were kind when they didn't have to be kind. ALthough I knew none of them, I was honored to be there with them that night, and I gained a lot of respect for them.. and in a way, other people too. You see, I don't like people, and I have come to believe that we, all people, have the capacity for enormous cruelty. But that night I began to understand that we also have the capacity for kindness too. They taught me that.

Personally, I was treated with respect too. The bar was crowded, and yet people were very careful not to stand in front of me or block my view. I still didn't fit in. Not really. As far as I know, I was the only transexual woman there.. not counting Karen, who still lives as a man. Transexuals, beleive it or not, are not always well accepted by the gay community. But these folks were just totally accepting.

One of the other perfomers was hurt in an accidental fall a day or so before the show. Later, after Karen's song, her little nieces took the floor and sang 'I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" and "Silent Night". They, of course, got even more money that Karen did and lent a family atmosphere to the whole event.

Finally, I had all I could stand. It was time to go. I left the crowd inside and went to get my van. I had parked on the back side of the parking area, and when I got there, I found I was completely blocked in. The best way out was through a neighboring business.. a U-Haul rental place. There was a good-sized rental trailer in my way, but it was unchained. So, looking around and seeing no man coming to my aid, I got out in my dress and hoisted that trailer and pushed it out of my way. Sometimes being a woman can be a real drag (no pun intended).

So that's my Xmas story. I guess unconventional will always be my middle name. I'm glad I went. I found goodness in a place I wouldn't have expected, I saw some stately girls, and a few really good looking men. I haven't been back since, but one day I'll go, just to have a rum and diet coke and relax in a place that's friendly and accepting. But I will NEVER sing in the Xmas program. I gotta draw the line somewhere.

Leslie

- Mormon Boy born and raised

- Vietnam Combat Veteran

- PTSD Vet

- Husband

- Father

- Grandfather

- Transexual Woman

And you think YOUR life is confusing?

Try "Being Ms Leslie"

http://MsLeslie.com/

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