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5:59 p.m. - 2002-01-22
Ms Leslie gets some pride
Lynn says, when I tell her about this diary:

Sounds good and I would like to be notified when you

put in an entry. You might want to think about making

it available to everyone. Your little one may not feel

safe with that decision and so will be inhibited in

expression..or conversely may write to zap

someone...so put something down in a way to shock or

zap someone. Think about it. The beauty of writing

me is that I am not in your life so the kid has less

of a desire to tamper with what you write....no more

than she would do with anyone. Even when the issue is

sensitive or delicate with another person, it can be

explored with me is a safe environment...at least as

safe as she will accept.

And then I come back and say:

I agree. I was thinking of it on the way home ad made the decision to lock it up for the exact reasons you have laid out. I'll write more about it later. Your suggestion confirms that it's justnot a good idea right now to leave myself that open to others in my life.

Leslie

And then I think it over and write again:

Hmmmm.. and then as soon as I posted this letter, I wondered why it was that I needed to tell you that I had already decided to do it and knew the right reasons, etc. etc.

Why was it important that I had "already" decided to lock it? Would it have killed me to let you be right and just say "good idea! I am going to lock it"?

Don't take this the wrong way but, if ours was a 'real world' relationship... don't you think that by letting you be right and the first one to be right, I would have also let you be just that much more important? And if I let you be a little more important, wouldn't you also feel a little closer?

What I said was true.. I DID think of it on the way home and I DID make the decision on the road before I read your comments encouraging me to do the same thing. I just wonder why it was important that I make it so clear? It seemed to minimize you in some way.

It wasn't a very nice thing to do. I'm sorry.

And then Lynn answers:

Leslie, I did not take it as minimizing me in any way.

I took it first as honest- something important in any

relationship-even a real life one...it is good to let

people feel good, but only when it is for an honest

reason....the truth will always set you free.

Also, I felt good that we were on the same page and

that you realized that you needed your boundaries to

be less porous. That made me feel proud of you- kind

of like progress from the child of a narcisist. Like

you can still have you and have me also. Hay, stand up

and claim yourself-all of yourself and those who love

you will cheer for you. Lynn

....................................................................

.. and that response blows me away once again.

It's the part where she's proud of me. People have said they were proud of me before, but I've never been sure they were being honest. My mom has said it. I know that's not honest. That's just part of her emotional currency. SHe hands out money she can't afford and says she loves you and is proud of you. But you always know it isn't true. Now more than ever I know it isn't true. And to be honest, I don't recall hearing her say sheis proudof me for a long long time. And now, for her to be proud of her damaged irresponsible transexual (read gay in a dress) son is just out of her reach. Today I'm everything she didn't want to see.

My dad, of course, has never said it to begin with. My ex wife said it a few times, but she wasn't proud of me either. If she had been, she would have wanted to know me. For over 25 years, she avoided knowing me. WHen I tried to let her into my world, she recoiled in horror and spent the rest of our married life not wanting to know.

My younger son has said he was proud of me.. in relation to my army service. I believe him, but he has no concept of the real reasons I did what I did. And again, he hasn't expressed any pride in me since I told him I was going to finish out my life as a woman.

My older son never said it at all. He has a long way to go before he is grown up.

So it comes down to the fact that no one can express any pride in me for who I am and what I've done, and the downright courage it takes to do what I am doing. Just my therapist. And though I pay her for her support, I believe her. I think she IS proud of me... just for who I am. It's another big first.

I'm glad she didn't say it to my face. I would have lost it again. It's too big to handle all at once. It's like walking up to a bum on the sidewalk and handing him ten thousand dollars. It's outside of his comprehension. Having someone know so much about me and handing me her pride is outside of mine. One part of me feels that I don't deserve this. The other part knows I do. Neither part of me quite knows how to deal with it though. It feels good and heartbreaking both at the same time. Good to get it and heartbreaking that I have never had it before.

It's not easy being me.

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