6:14 a.m. - Saturday, Feb. 11, 2006
MsLeslie: Thoughtless and Self-Centered? Really?
It�s been a busy week here at Manor MsLeslie. THS called me earlier this week and did what he does so well� communicate. I guess I�m just a sucker for it, but we are back on speaking terms. Nonetheless, our relationship is changed. I think he clearly understands the �no living together� rule, It�s a solid rule and not just a guideline. I�m flattered by his affection, but our relationship will always have limits, starting now.
On Thursday I had sushi with a young man who wants to explore his submissive side. He has been writing to me and waiting for about six weeks. Finally, I told him we would meet at a nearby restaurant for a short chat, that there would be no �private time�, and that after we had met, he would go home and write to tell me if he still wanted to explore this with me. I, of course, would do the same and if either of us wished to opt out, there would be no hard feelings.
Well, I liked the guy. He�s an environmentalist; Intelligent, educated and articulate. He�s also cute. Shortly after I came home, I received his email telling me that he enjoyed meeting me and yes, he would like to proceed. So I am going to see him on Thursday evening here at the house. I�ll give him at last the thing he craves.. to be dominated by a woman, and at the same time, I will get what I want from him, namely that energy that comes from taking him down into his submissive state and then tormenting him in ways that will be delightful but ultimately harmless.
My long term slave bobbie is anxious to see me too. He loves the way I play with him, but beyond the kink, we also have a friendship. He told me this week on the phone that he misses me as a person as much as he misses me as a Domme. I think there�s a compliment in there somewhere. So I am only going to make him wait two weeks. I like to see him on edge.
I had dinner at a new mexican restaurant with my electrologist, her lesbian partner, a very kinky but harmless friend who is jazzy-bound, and one of my newer transexual friends. I had met jazzy-bound once before, two or more years ago. He seems nice, but there is a bad energy that comes from him. I am coming more and more to believe in �energy�, whatever it is, and to trust what I feel. At any rate, whenever I am in his presence, I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck telling me to stay away from him. New TS friend, however, is very sweet and full of good energy. She was at my house the other day when she received the call from her father in Ohio, telling her that he (and mom) had received the letter in which New TS had agonizingly revealed her transexuality.
The call from dad was amazing. He told her that he loved her no matter what, that he would help her in any way he could, and that he still looked forward to her coming home and joining him in his business. I was so impressed with him that I forgot my own warnings about the delayed rejection that often happens when having a transexual member of the family becomes more real� and more inconvenient.
Sadly, last night I learned that New TS�s parents had called her back a couple of days later and disowned her. I�m very sorry for them all. TS loves her parents. She told me her dad had always been her hero. It�s hard to lose a hero. But I told her that nothing is over until it�s over. I think there is still the possibility that tomorrow, or next month, or next year, her parents will come to a greater understanding, or a greater ability to love without conditions. At this point, she can only have patience and wait for that to happen.
It�s a funny thing; I often think of myself as isolated and friendless. But when I think about it, it�s not true. There is, perhaps, no one that I care for enough to surrender my heart completely, but I do have a lot of friends. AN amazing amount of them, actually, when you consider the awful way I treat my friends. I won�t apologise, but I will acknowledge that I am thoughtless and self-centered. Seldom will I give a little gift or a card. Nor do I pick up the phone and call someone just to say �hi�. I wait for them.. and feel sorry for myself if they do not call ME. But I am not all bad. I give of myself as a listener and a safe place to talk about difficult issues. People respond to that. I suppose they think I understand them, when really, I haven�t a clue. I just know how to keep my mouth shut� and when. Because of that, I�ve become a kind of den mother for transexuals in the area. I get referrals from my electrologist, my former therapist, and other TS friends. It used to be that they would call and ask if they could share my phone number. Lately, that has changed into a call to say that they have shared my number and is that ok?� and it is.
The truth is, people who know me like me. If I am short of friends, it is my own fault for maintaining the assumption that I am strange, an outsider who can never belong, and that people will only hurt me. The truth is, no one has ever been less than kind to me who has spent more than a half hour with me.
Perhaps I need to get over this.
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