4:44 p.m. - Friday, Jan. 07, 2005
MsLeslie misses the tsunami
It's hard for me to believe that people continue to look here to see if I'm writing and to check on me. I would think that by now I'd be forgotten on DiaryLand.

Moxie wrote to see if the tsunami got me. I'm glad to say it did not, although I had originally planned to go back for the entire month of December. I put those plans on hold when my mother begged me to come home for Xmas just once before she dies. I cancelled my Thailand plans and agreed to go to Utah to spend the worst days of my year with her. Then, once I made other plans, she decided not to have me for Xmas after all.

Although I haven't yet visited Phuket, I'm horrified at the destruction and deaths that have taken place there and in so many other places. It's difficult for me to see the images that come from there. For me, Thailand is a real place and the people there are real people. I love the Thai people and feel that though I know no one affected by this, I have lost many friends.

I'm going back on April 20th. I've grown very close to the tenderhearted sadist and she wants to see Thailand with me. If she can't go for some reason, I'll go alone. I miss it. It seems so crazy, but I find peace there.

In the meantime, I continue to swim three days a week. My knees are almost normal as long as I exercise and remember to take the condroitin and MSM from the vitamin store. I see a lot of the tenderhearted sadist and now that some of my needs for physical pain have been met, we spend a lot of time doing other fun things together. She thinks I'm beautiful and she loves me very much. I love her too, but the thought of it terrifies me. She's able to surrender herself to her emotions; I am not. I can endure a lot of physical pain, but not so much emotional pain. I'm afraid if I surrender to my feelings, I won't be able to handle the pain if I lose her. She's very patient with me though, and is willing to keep what we have on a day to day basis. So far, it's been day to day for sixteen months. And each day it continues makes me dread the end of it more and more. It's going to be very painful when it comes to a close.

Ann has moved to Michigan for the foreseeable future. She's helping her daughter and two grandsons while the daughter works and goes to school. That left me for a while, very much alone in Gulfport Mississippi, but lately I've been a little more active in the BDSM community and have made a few friends who care more about me than what I can do for them. That's a bit new to me, but I like it. I'm finding that I can give my energy to my friends and draw energy back from them in return. I'm finding friends who don't suck me dry and give nothing back. I often think that if not for them, I would be living in the hills of Northern Thailand right now. There is little else to keep me here.

I haven't felt the need to write my feelings in a public way for quite some time now. I think that may be about to change, but if it does, I'll need to write somewhere other than here. IN the past, most of what I felt was very personal. Other people weren't a part of m1170y life. Now, if I write, I'll find that I have to write about myself and others who are in my life or who have been in my life. I won't be able to be honest in my writing if I'm worried about who might see my thoughts. It's not fair to them for me to write about them and it's not fair to me if I have to censor my thoughts and feelings. So.... If I do write, I'll be doing it under a different identity so as to preserve the privacy... and feelings.. of others. I have no doubt though that if you stumble across the other me, you'll recognize me. I can change my name, but I can't be anyone except me and it'll show in my writing. If you find me, I hope you'll say 'hi'. All of my Dland buddies, readers, and casual visitors have been a great help to me in the past. I don't write much, but I'll never forget y'all. Each of you has helped me in ways you'll never guess.

Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths,

MsLeslie

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