10:00 p.m. - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003
The most expensive Driver's License ever
This is nothing new.

I used to spend a lot of time in the aol chat rooms a few years ago. I was a regular fixture there, in the Christian section, doing battle with the Jehovah�s Witnesses and later, with the mormons. I used to open a room called �mormons in doubt�. That really fired them up so they came into my room to fuss about who was persecuting who, and a wide assortment of what I would classify as mainstream Christians came too, to try to make those mormons see the truth�. Whatever that is.

Then, once I became a minor celebrity in those circles, I found that almost all in one day I lost interest. I stopped going to aol. I heard from Ann, who continued to frequent those cyber halls that a lot of people missed me terribly. In fact, someone there continued for a long time to open the �mormons in doubt� room, kind of in my honor. Nothing, however, could entice me to return. Whatever I was looking for there, I found.

A year or so later, when Pal Talk was invented and people could chat there by voice, via a microphone, I more or less repeated my performance. Oh, I didn�t harass the JWs or mormons. AS a matter of fact, by that time, I had reasoned my way into atheism and as such, realized that in a random and meaningless universe, it makes very little difference what an individual believes. If my view of the universe is correct, we are all headed for oblivion anyway. What would be the point of encouraging anyone to walk any particular path to it? I see no reason to be an evangelical atheist, you know? Still, I hung out in the Christian rooms and got to know a lot of cyber friends. Sometimes, when they grew weary of fussing with the JWs, we played trivial pursuit. I was , of course, made to play on the men�s team, with guys who knew a lot about sports and little about anything else, bless their hearts.

And just when it seemed I had found myself a home on Pal Talk, again I disconnected myself all at once. I can�t explain it, but after all these years of doing it, I can finally see it for what it is; A cycle of dysfunction.

When I stopped writing on DiaryLand, I tried to keep in mind that it�s nothing more than another crazy cycle. Oncel this time, I try to keep the door open to coming back if and when I please, to write if I need to, and to try to stay open to the people who know me here� not to just shut them out like I�ve done so very many times before. So wah LAA! Here I am! Back to write about a couple of things. Three things if we count what I just wrote about.

Which we probably shouldn�t count, really. I didn�t intend to write it. I�m just cracking my knuckles in a way; getting worked up to actually start writing. Geez.. someone should stop me.

Alright�.

When I stop writing, clearly, it takes a whole bunch to get me to start again. I get letters, which makes me feel guilty and terrible. I get comments, most of which make me feel very good, but not good enough to just jump right back in where I left off. Missing me doesn�t do it. Flattery doesn�t do it. Even a call from the one person who has my phone number isn�t enough. But there is one thing. A secret weapon that will jump start me like a nervous resident with a set of overcharged heart paddles.

If you want to hear from me, just ask me a question. I simply can�t resist the urge when someone encourages me to share my overwhelming wisdom with the unsuspecting world at large. Gratuitous violence? Go buy a seat in your local Cineplex. But if it�s gratuitous information you�re looking for, I�m your girl. I�ll tell you the truth: Sometimes I hope I�m wrong about the universe. I hope there�s a great big waiting room in the sky. And I hope it all begins with a multiple choice pop quiz and an essay. Everyone else will think they�ve gone to hell, but I�ll know I�m in heaven.

luvabeans found the secret. She wrote an incredible entry in which she examines her own gender identity� an identity with which she is very comfortable thankyouverymuch� and then signed my guestbook with a request that I read her entry and.. and�.Oh be still my heart� that I SHED SOME LIGHT ON IT!!!!

So I�m going to do it here. NO way is there room in her guestbook. Besides, here I can control whether it gets deleted or not.

But first things first. I have to put into my personal record that today I met a very nice lady at the Mississippi State DMV. I went there this morning to get my new driver�s license. I�ve kept my commercial driver�s license mainly because the office that handles those is normally not as busy� or as rude� as the office for �common� drivers. When I got there this morning, the waiting area was almost empty. But rules are still rules, so I had to take a number from the antiquated ticket machine by the door. I swear this is true: My number was 69; the symbol for a particular sexual position but more importantly, the symbol for yin and yang. How ironic that I was there to cross the very boundary between yang and yin. I took it as a good omen.

After a very short wait, I was called to a high counter. The kind that make you feel small and powerless as you try to obtain the appropriate forms and services from your paid public servants. My therapist� actually a couple of them� have told me I am a very symbolic person. They are wrong. It�s the world that�s symbolic. All I do is recognize the symbols where maybe others don�t. I found it hugely symbolic that the three grandmothers, inaccessible behind the surrounding tall counter were wearing the uniforms of the state troopers. Everything�. Every single thing about that building and the way it was organized was calculated to keep the public cowed into a sense that they had no control, no rights, and no status in the face of the bureaucracy. They even went so far as to post a sign instructiong visitors not to move or rearrange the folding chairs and not to cross the line on the floor behind which was a single Coke machine. Oh� so I was called to the counter. I stood on tippy toes and told the white-haired lady trooper that I was about to be her most interesting case for the day. I carefully slid my manila fold across the counter to her and waited silently as she read first the letter I had gotten from her headquarters stating the requirements for a change of sex, and then the court order and amended birth certificate I had obtained per those requirements.

As I waited, I found myself mentally tallying the finances that had led me to be standing there. Monetarily, I think it all started with my first session of hair removal. First came laser treatments, four of them for a total of about $1800.00. Then, after laser was no olnge cost effective, I switched to electrolysis. An hour a week over the last three years at fifty dollars an hour. There were a couple of months befor surgery that I was going in for two hours a week. But lets just say another 7500 for electrolysis. I started seeing a therapist weekly in the beginning, at a rate of $100.00 per visit. Later I was able to scale that back to a couple of times a month at a rate of 75.00 per visit. It was worth every penny, but in purely monetary terms, it set me back about another 6000 dollars. Hormones were prescribed for me, beginning in November 2000. Premarin at first, and then I switched to injectable estradiol. Cheaper, but wow� you should see the humongous needle I have to use to give myself the butt-shot. I�m guessing approximately 2500 in hormones I had to pay for over the last three years.

Surgery for the first trip was 9300 plus a thousand for air fare. The second procedure was 14,000 plus a thousand. There were, of course a lot of incidentals, but these were the major costs incurred to get me there. Oh� and lest I forget, $536.00 for the court order and 36.00 for the birth certificate.

So all totaled, I spent about $44,000 to be standing there, anticipating my new driver�s license with my new name and finally� after all these years.. my correct sex on it. Leslie Elaine Smith: Woman driver.

And the cost of the new license? Five dollars. The nice lady didn�t understand why I was laughing as I handed her the fiver. I guess I was laughing to keep from crying.

Anyway� I asked her if I was right when I said I would be her most interesting customer today. She allowed as how I was. Then she told me she admired me for having the �spunk� to do it. Folks.. this is Mississippi. Worse.. I was in Mississippi north of I-10. North of I-10 is the REAL Mississippi. And yet the lady said she admired me. Amazing.

Even more amazing is the fact that I actually liked the photo on my license. Tell me.. can you say the same about yours? It�s a good thing I liked it. It�s justpossibly the most expensive picture of me I am ever liable to get.

Now it�s getting late. I�ve rambled enough to make myself tired and I haven�t even begun to SHED SOME LIGHT on luvabean�s entry. But I�m not going to start now. Instead, here�s some homework. Read her entry called �somethingifesto�. No, there won�t be a pop quiz� at least not in this life� but I�m going to devote the next entry to SHEDDING SOME LIGHT as she requested. GGGBOF, I�m not sure I�ll be able to sleep tonight.

Happy Thoughts, Deep Breaths

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