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7:27 a.m. - Friday, Apr. 18, 2003
Ms Leslie Checks Out
I�m checking out of my hotel at Bang Saen Beach today. I�ll see Dr. Suporn this afternoon and with his blessings, continue on to Bangkok to spend the night before a very early flight tomorrow. Twenty grueling hours of almost non-stop air travel later, I�ll be standing once again on the northern shore of the gulf of Mexico,wondering already if it all really happened.

I�m ready to come home this time. I still do love Thailand and I think I could only get more comfortable here. But I�m no Thai. This isn�t my place, it�s theirs. I could stay here all my life and I would still be little more than a visitor. I have a different niche in the universe.

I don�t think I could have said it until I said it last night to Sue and Ivy, two more delightful readers whose paths I�ve crossed as a result of Ivy�s impending surgery here. I found myself saying to them that I feel somehow that the rest of my life is waiting for me in Mississippi. I�ve met some huge goals in the last two years. Goals that needed to be met in order for me to advance along my life�s path. I�ve done all I can do, hormonally and surgically speaking. Now, good bad or indifferent, I�ll spend what remains of my life living with the results. I think I�m ready.

I want to go home now and have a routine. I want to be a FLYbaby. I want to do my exercises and get dressed to the shoes each morning. I want to go somewhere fun or interesting every day. I want to help someone if I can. I want to be kind when �I� don�t have to be. I want to live now.

I�m coming back here though. I have to make one more trip. Only this time, there�s going to be no surgery. I want to spend a couple of weeks just enjoying this place, the food, the sights, the god-awful smells, without being in pain. So I want to come back and take a short course in� you won�t believe this� Thai massage. I can do it in forty hours and I�ll get an official document from the Ministry of something or other to certify that I�m an honest to goodness Thai masseuse. I want to do that, and I want to shop for some gold. I have none and it looks like at this stage of the game no man is ever going to buy me any, so I want to come back here where such good prices can be found. Funny, isn�t it? I can�t just come to Thailand because I want to. I have to always have a reason; a quest. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to live in this skin.

So� anyway� I�ll write an entry when I get back to Mississippi. And in that entry, I�ll talk a little bit about two very lucky people. People who found each other many years ago and married their best friends.. which happened to be each other. They are still in love today, even as they share the profound transition of Steve to Ivy. What luck. They are SHARING it, with all the pain, the uncertainty, frustration, and uncommon blessings. How many of us have to do this alone and apart�and how many of the people we love have to watch in fear and the same loneliness because they don�t know how to love without expectations.

It�s one of the rare blessings to be found in this whole transsexual experience. If you have love like that anywhere in your life, it�s tested hard and proven all the way through discovery, transition, and beyond. Mostly, what we hoped was love fails the test, and that�s heartbreakingly sad, but when it endures� well, I guess it�s what each of us hopes for.

I dunno. Rambling. It�s breakfast time. I�m outta here.

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