5:24 a.m. - Thursday, Jan. 09, 2003
DAncing
So�. No sooner do I write about my beautiful nurse doing her oriental movements in the pre-dawn light than a mailer comes from the Community Ed people with classes to take. And there, on page three, is a Chinese exercise class.(T�Ai-Chi-Ch�Uan). Thinking that it�s OK to eat things I can�t pronounce but that I should never DO things I can�t pronounce, I flip the page to see what else is interesting.
And there.. almost right below it are the dance classes. A ballroom class, a swing class, and a salsa class. The swing class specifically says that it�s rotating partners and singles are welcome. Oh man. Now it�s put up or shut up time. All this time I�ve been crying that I�d like to learn to dance. How I�d love to be led by a man, to be held in his arms, and to be.. well�.. graceful. I�ve even dreamed of it. And now here it is, just a few short blocks away, every Thursday evening. Singles welcome. What am I waiting for?
I�m waiting because I absolutely can�t imagine myself in a dance class. I�m old. I�m fat, I�m clumsy, I�m��.. transsexual. Apparently I still can�t accept myself well enough to allow someone else� especially a man� to have a chance to accept me too. It�s a total quandry.
I watched a TV documentary about transsexuals just the other day. Oh, I�m an expert, of course. But I heard something said on the program that I hadn�t considered before; Something that�s truer than I had ever imagined. It was said that ultimately, transsexuals looked to men to validate them. God� how sexist is that? But so help me, I think it�s true. I think that�s why I�m gratified but not satisfied by the acceptance I get from other women. I think it�s why I yearn for the company of men.
It doesn�t seem fair at all. After all I�ve done. Surely my status as a woman is as valid as it can possibly get. And I�m independent. I work alone. I solve my own problems. Yet even with all the therapy, the hormones, the electrolysis, the surgery, how is it I need some guy to �validate� me by recognizing me as a woman? And honestly.. what chance do I ever have of that thing happening?
So I�m afraid to sign up for dancing lessons. I�m afraid that even if everyone is oh so careful and polite, and so politically correct never to talk about me where I can hear them, I�ll fail to be validated. I�ll be nervous and stiff. My partners won�t know how to hold me. Indeed they may even feel distaste at the very idea, and that feeling will show, no matter how hard they try to hide it. This time, I�m afraid even I don�t have balls big enough to pull off a dancing class.
That�s why I have to sign up for Chinese exercise. It�s held at the same time, see? So if I sign up for the exercise, I have the perfect excuse not to signup for dancing. I�ll meet people just the same. I�ll get to move my body just the same. It�ll be good for me physically and emotionally. And I won�t have to risk being touched like an icky bloated road-killed hog by an unwilling partner.
But someday I am going to dance. As long as I�m trying I�m not failing. Just wait and see.
3 comments so far
�
�
