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2:45 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 29, 2002
Ms Leslie Sells Out?
I think I�ve crossed a line.

When I started writing a diary, I wrote for me and me alone. I wasn�t sure why it was important to put the words here, open to whoever should stumble across them. I only knew that it helped me find and examine my own emotions and thoughts to write about them one word at a time. It never did really occur to me.. not seriously� that anyone would read my diary, much less write comments, notes or letters to me. It didn�t matter if they did, actually, because I had myself convinced that I hated people. It was never about hearing from anyone. It was about leaving it out there like scraps of paper blowing along the side of a desolate highway.

Then I decided to spend a buck or two with Andrew. I can�t remember why. I wanted an extra feature, I guess. And since the rice of a gold membership came with several thousand free banners, I made up a banner and gave it to him to run. Within a few days, I started seeing notes in my guestbook�.. and they were GOOD comments! I felt deeply every word of encouragement and support I got there. Suddenly, my diary was more than a musty corner Where I could go to think. It became a tiny forum, where I got feedback from real people.

Over the last few months, I�ve felt a change coming over my diary. I still want and try to write only to myself, but I find I�m also writing for you. I should be upset, but I�m not. I think it�s because I�m growing out of the need for all this concentrated introspection and growing into the need for relationships.

I�ve also been pondering. That�s a real common mormon word� pondering. It means considering, but mormons like the sound of pondering better. Personally, I think pondering is as dangerously close to pandering as mormon is to moron. One tiny slip of the keyboard and somebody gets offended. Anyway� I�ve been considering whether I am at a point where I need to stop identifying myself as Ms Leslie. I�m wondering if it�s time to start being just Leslie. Like maybe it�s time to change my website and diary to remove all the references to transsexuality and just try to take my place in the crowd.

Well, the line I crossed is when I joined the top 100 diaries today. All by itself, joining that site and shamelessly begging you to vote for me can only mean I�m not writing just for me anymore. Clearly I want people to read me and say nice things to me. Fine. No problem.

But then I needed to make a banner to post on the site. What to do? What do I say? What do I show to entice new readers to my diary? Should I play the transsexual card? Without question, that�s a draw for people who are looking for the unusual. Do I want to exploit that, just so people will come?

I think I do.

It�s based on the fact that I�ve gotten tons of satisfaction from talking to people and explaining transsexuality to them. As much as I�d like to be an ordinary garden variety woman, I�m not. I never will be. Andin a very real way, it�s not fair for me to ask myself to ignore who it is that I am.

I�ll never be young. You�ve heard me say that before. I�ll never be attractive. I read about gofigure�s adventures in finding a gown to wear to the debutante ball and I know I�ll never get to have that problem. So what do I get in return?

I get to be someone very special. According to the best estimates available, I am one in ten thousand. That�s one one hundredth of one percent. I�m a post-op transsexual woman and I have a story to tell. And if I am to do my share as a TS woman, I guess I need to explain the difference between sex and gender to 9,999 others. Obviously, I have a long way to go.

So, I�m keeping my site pretty much as is. I�m writing for me� and for you. With a little work and luck, what I write will be entertaining, interesting, and maybe accidentally educational. And I�m going to promote my diary, shamelessly at times, to see if I can get the rest of those 9,999 people in here and show them that we�re all really just alike. We�re all special, we�re all different, and we�re all the same.

So c�mon�� vote for me on the top 100 diaries. You and me, we got 9,998 to go.

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