9:31 a.m. - Friday, Dec. 13, 2002
More Prozac Please!
Happy Thoughts:
Very few. Oh�Reading in %%summer-gale%%�s diary that one of the wigs we donated was fitted to another cancer patient was a big lift. I�m proud to be part of that. Just for the record though, I only donated one wig. I hate them and wouldn�t buy another. All the wigs I�ve sent to %%summer-gale%% and others were donated by transgendered people from the Mississippi-Louisiana Gulf Coast area. I wish I had counted, but I think in the last year I�ve sent close to a hundred wigs for use by cancer patients who couldn�t other wise afford one. Most of them went to South Africa. Once that program todl me they had enough and to please stop sending wigs, I happened to read %%summer-gale%% and ask her if I could send the remainder to her.
I enjoyed seeing my PTSD therapist on Wednesday. She�s young She looks so much like my youngest sister I feel like hugging her when I see her� and sometimes I do. Young she may be, but she�s a total expert when it comes to combat and Vietnam-related PTSD. On Wednesday, she helped me gains some insight with the issue of whether to try to hide my history or not. I think I have to confirm that there�s no way I can try to live a lie��. again. But at the same time I have to learn that there are levels of trust. Like a lot of vets, I either trust all the way or not at all. Mostly it�s not at all. But according to the Dr., I should be able to judge and assign levels of trust to different people. Like who to trust with my history and who not to. The worst and most confusing thing about that is that there are no clear-cut rules.
Deep Breaths:
OK.. I need to take a deep breath, put my head down and finish doing whatever it is I am going to do about Xmas. I think I�ve bought from stores all I am going to buy. I�ve sent the most basic gifts out in the mail to the children I don�t want to disappoint, and to a few others who are farthest away. I�ve bought a couple boxes of cards. Now I need to address them, write checks to whoever gets a check�. Mostly nieces and nephews.
Why do I have to write nieces and nephews? If I want to say something about my sisters and brothers, there�s a word that includes them all� siblings. If I�m talking about my father and mother, I can use the word parents. Sons and daughters are my children, offspring, or sometimes spawn. So why did no one ever invent words for our aunts and uncles or our nieces and nephews? There needs to be a sexless word to refer to them, just as there is for cousins. In fact, If I want to talk about my cousins, I actually have to clarify whether it�s a female cousin or a male one. So� with little fanfare and no recognition at all, here is my contribution to the english language. Henceforth and forever, when I refer to the offspring of my siblings as a group, I�ll be calling them my niblings. Oh yes.. my spellchecker is already going nuts.
This is actually my second contribution to the language. When I gave up Christianity but refused to label myself an atheist, I found that people felt all at sea without a label for me, so I coined the term �cogitarian�, which implies that I use my head. Not everyone agrees.
OK� so I need to draw that breath and get the checks out to my niblings. And then I really want to send holiday greetings to my friends here on DLand whose addresses I happen to know, and to those I don�t know, including the lurkers here who may read me but never make a comment.
This is going to take TWO deep breaths.
And I need to take another DB and find the commitment to take care of myself again. I�m eating more than ever. I had to take medicine for my blood sugar again after almost nine months without it. I�m eating, not because I don�t know it�s bad for me, but because I DO know it�s bad for me. Something is seriously wrong. I�m feeling that feeling of how death would be a relief again. That feeling never quite goes away. It hides in the bushes. But sometimes, I think I�d like to not die tomorrow or this week, because I think something interesting is going to happen. I just keep hanging on to see what�s next. But sometimes I start feeling like nothing else is going to happen. That�s when I feel ready to die. I wonder if I should have said something about this to my therapist.
Obviously, I need obstacles and challenges to overcome just to keep my life interesting enough to stick around for. Sometimes I feel like one of those candles that smothers itself in its own molten wax. Maybe I just need different meds. Who knows?
Alright, this is getting too morbid. Exercise will help this, I know it will. I�m going to clean up and move around. Maybe take a walk to day if the weather�s good.
Deep Breaths, Deep Breaths, Deep Breaths.
And Happy thoughts
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