|
7:21 a.m. - Saturday, Nov. 23, 2002 Last year I was ready. And all the years before that. I used to wonder how much longer the bad theater called my life was going to drag on, and why it was, exactly that I stayed in the audience to watch. I wasn�t even onstage; just a casually interested bystander to my life. I should have left the theater before someone got hurt. This year though, I think I have more interest in seeing how all this is going to turn out. I think I�m interested in getting onstage again after all these years and becoming a part of my own life. It�s a little bit scary. And so I�m going to fight this annual depression. I�m taking part this year, in a small way, in the holidays. I�m going to Baton Rouge to spend Thanksgiving with family. Yes, that right�. Family. I�m redefining family for myself. It�s not about blood or that thin strand of mucous I keep referring to. It�s about care, which I suppose is my code word for the one I can�t easily say�.. �love�. I�m adding to my family. Want to be in it? As it turns out, it�s pretty easy to be family to me. All you have to do is love me and you know what? Loving me isn�t as hard as it might seem. Loving myself is the hardest, but I think I�m getting there. I�m divorcing some of my family too. I�m too old to play around any more. I�m too old to stay around anyone who makes me feel bad about myself. I�m too old to spend myself anymore on those who don�t love me. I�m too old to spend myself pretending to love people who hurt me. I want to spend what�s left of me learning to love the people who don�t hurt me. And that�s the scariest thing of all. I�m not too good at loving. So, instead of closing myself up and waiting for T�day to pass silently by, I�m going to take some pies into Cajun Country and give myself a chance to be happy. It could happen, who knows? I�m going there with the understanding that if it doesn�t happen; if I find myself feeling like an alien, I will quietly slip away with no apologies. The people who love me will understand and appreciate me for trying in the first place. Those who don�t love me won�t miss me. How can I lose? Plan �B� for those times when being part of the traditional holiday scene comes right out of Seinfeld. George�s father had the right idea when he got disgusted with Xmas and created �Festivus� fir the restofus. Where�s the law that says I have to be any part of any holiday at all? If I can�t be comfortable with the traditional stuff, why can�t I do it my own way? A quiet day spent preparing a small meal for myself and one or two ghosts. A day spent remembering, grieving if necessary, and then looking to the future. Is there some reason I should have to apologize for that? I think not. I think it�s time to do things in the way that seems most right for me and let the rest of the world do what seems right for them. Once in a while, maybe me and the world will cross paths. Meantime, like the fish, I�ll keep just trying to remember to come up for air once in a while. This time of year, that�s the best I can do. 0 comments so far � � |