Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

12:56 p.m. - Thursday, Nov. 21, 2002
Ms Leslie Is gearing up for the holidays
Wow� a rough week!

No one remembers, I think, that this month is Craig�s birthday. Who�s Craig? If you don�t know, you haven�t read my diary. People are asking me what I�m going to do for Thanksgiving and I�ve been at a loss for an answer that won�t cloud their eyes with pity or something like it. I hate that. And I�ve just come back from taking my dad to the airport after a three day visit from Utah.

He had the idea that while he was here, he should take some kind of active role in bringing me together with my oldest son. My oldest, the fireman, is the one who scheduled his wedding to take place during the time my surgery would be taking place, asked me to pay some of the wedding costs for a huge wedding, and then to stay away from the wedding itself. When I refused, I guess he got mad at me for being a woman or something. Anyway, I told my dad that it would be fine if he�d like to get together with Eric (the son). I would buy dinner or something. It seems to have taken my dad by surprise that when he called Eric to set a time to meet, Eric told him that he is welcome but that he did not care to see me. Surprise! SO Eric picked up dad outside my apartment and spent the day with him. I think they had a pretty good time. This confirms for me what his leaving my name off of his wedding announcements suggested. He has decided he doesn�t wish to have me in his life anymore.

So how do I feel about that? Well, it�s odd. I feel guilty. It�s not odd that I feel guilty. I feel guilty about everything. That�s my heritage. But it IS odd that I feel guilty for feeling relieved that my son plans to leave me alone. You see, if he doesn�t love me now, then he never did love me. It really wasn�t my imagination that the only time Eric drew close to me was when he had a problem that I could solve for him. As long as his life was good, then I was forgotten. That had nothing to do with my decision to confront my gender issues. It had everything to do with our dysfunctional relationship all along. So now I don�t have to worry about his problems and he doesn�t need to worry about mine. Am I hurt? I think not. I�m relieved.

If he one day should change his mind and decide he wants me in his life�.. as the person I am�. Then he�s welcome to be in my world. I�m not angry. He doesn�t need my forgiveness because there�s nothing to forgive. He will always be welcome in my life. But, and this is a big large but, his problems are forever his own from this day forward. I hope fore his happiness and I do hope he is up to taking care of himself. He is, after all, 30 years old now.

My dad�s visit turned out better than expected. He can be frustrating because he�s really pretty oblivious to life in general and his kids in particular. My dad is happy, and he has no intention of engaging in any dialogue or doing anything that might disturb that happiness. He said over and over during this visit that he felt the best way to deal with unpleasantness is to ignore it. Last night, though, I decided at some point to share with him some of the circumstances surrounding my desertion of my family and flight out of Alaska. He was surprised and shaken to learn that just prior to my fleeing, I had laid plans for a spectacular homicidal and suicidal event to take place where I worked. All this time he thought I just took off on a whim of some kind, I guess. Last night he understood more about me than he has in all the previous fifty years. After hearing the details of my plan and how close I came to carrying it out, he spent the rest of the visit exhorting me to keep taking my medications and to be happy. Pretty good advice, huh?

I bet Ann dinner that I would see my VA therapist for an hour yesterday and spend the whole session without crying. I lost the bet. It was mostly because I tried to talk about my emotions surrounding this time of year. How separate and apart I feel from everyone else during the holidays, and how I fight the memories and the personal anniversaries that come along all at the same time that make me feel just so much more alone. The therapist�s news wasn�t all that good. She says that never changes for people like me. But there are ways, perhaps, to work around it. Step One, it seems, is to let go of the idea that I need to be happy or celebrate this time of year in the same way everyone else does, or in the way I think they expect me to celebrate. That leaves me free for step two, which is to plan my own kind of rituals or remembrances. It�s a kind of planned grieving, I guess. Or maybe it�s just grieving without guilt. I�m not sure. I guess I�m not a good griever. I�ve got all this grief and don�t know how to grieve. I guess I need to spend a little more time thinking this one through. IN the meantime, at least I�m alone again and don�t have to keep a good face on for dad. If history is any indication, I won�t see him again for five years or more.

Oh�. And I have a new goal. I want to try hard to write a more positive diary. OK.. not this time, but next time for sure. I�m getting depressed over being so depressed.. and depressing. I want to turn that around. Watch this space for further developments.

href: http://msleslie.diaryland.com/images/thaianimals.jpg

0 comments so far

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!