5:22 p.m. - Thursday, Oct. 17, 2002
Ms Leslie Touches Herself
There are, I admit, some things about being a woman that one can never fully appreciate or understand without actually inhabiting a female body. I�ll come to one of those things in a moment but first, I need to make this public apology to every woman I�ve ever known to whom I�ve carped and complained about her overuse of and over-reliance on toilet paper. Suddenly, as of 9/7/02, I get it. I�ve never needed it so much in my life. It�s no longer optional to just pee, shake and go. Toilet paper, and plenty of it, is now a multi-necessity of my life.
I remember long ago, when the book �Ourselves, Our Bodies� was published. I was perplexed to learn that there were women� lots of women� who weren�t at home with their genitals. In fact, many had never really seen their own genitals. I admit, I had a hard time understanding that�. Until now.
Now I see things in a whole new light. My new vagina �is� intimidating in a strange way. For one thing, I can�t see it without using both hands and a mirror. It�s very much less accessible than the structures formerly known as my penis and testicles were. I can explore it with my fingers, yes, but I find myself with a feeling that I�ll somehow hurt or injure myself. And even when I do put my fingers inside myself, it seems mysterious and strange. I can only learn what I can feel. Barring some extraordinary equipment, it seems I�ll never be able to see this part of my own body. I�ll never know it. What I can see now, and what I can know, is how it feels to have this mystery between one�s legs. Is it just because I�m still healing from surgery? I still have a few sutures which won�t absorb and disappear for a few weeks yet. Am I just being too timid? I don�t think so. I think it�s going to take a long. long time and a serious effort for me to become really familiar and comfortable with this new configuration�. Just as it has, apparently, for a great many other women over the years.
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