3:51 a.m. - Monday, Aug. 26, 2002
Ms Leslie still packing (whew!)

Two days before I leave for Thailand. I can�t wait, yet I have to try to keep from thinking too much about it. I get myself too worked up with anxiety over the trip, the people, the hospital, and yes.. the operation itself. No matter how many times I examine my decision, you see, I always come back to the conclusion that I�m doing the right thing. But I�ll never never know for dead sure until after I�ve gone through with it. That�s as scary for me as it would be for anyone.

On Saturday, I was so lathered up that I made myself sick. I don�t believe in God, but I�m coming to think that the universe hands us the things we need sometimes. Saturday, it handed me a call from Laura, just when I needed it most. We chatted for a good long time, which helped me get my mind out of it�s destructive little rut. I really appreciate that girl. Then later, Sandy and Kimberly called and asked me to come over for BBQ steaks. I only ate salad, honest! But I was jealous of that meat. Sandy knows how meat is cooked. And along with my salad, I met Sandy�s sister Rocky, her daughter (whose name just now escaped me) and the sister�s friend Marilynn. It was great fun getting to know them. They had interesting lives and weren�t a bit shy to talk about them. Marilynn is a breast cancer survivor who�s just finished her last course of chemotherapy. She looks awful cute with her fuzzy hair just starting to grow back in. Until I learned about the cancer, I thought her hair was just a style choice, although I�ve never seen hair that short on many women. Marilynn thought it was a riot when she learned what I thought.

I think the thing about the BBQ that�s both gratifying and disturbing at the same time is this: None of my three new acquaintances that night ever suspected that I wasn�t born a woman. That was fantastic. I was able to relax and not worry about how I laughed, or how I talked, and they still showed no signs of confusion over my gender. I love it so much, because it lets me fit somewhere into humanity. I�m still new at feeling like that and I really hunger for it.

The downside is that I like these people and expect to see them again. As a matter of fact, they asked me to come to New Orleans and do the French Quarter with them when I get back from my �vacation� in Thailand. I can�t, in all good conscience, be any kind of a friend if my friendship is laid on a foundation of deceit. Heck. Even if I wanted to, I couldn�t do it for long. It�s impossible for me to talk about myself or my life in any meaningful way without revealing that I have lived most of it as a man. I fear that once I come clean with them, I will have offended them by having deceived them. I don�t want to do that, and yet I don�t want to walk around the rest of my life introducing myself as Leslie the TS woman. There has to be a middle ground somewhere.

So I think I�ll try to form a rule. I think it�s OK if I can meet someone once and not get in a big sweat to tell all about my life and history. The second time I see a new friend, though, I think I need to find a way to make sure they understand more about me. I think that�s reasonable. I�m going to try it.

Today I�ll take Ann and do some shopping for last minute items to pack. She suggested I buy a WalkMan and listen to CDs on the flight and in my room. Why would I never have thought of that? After shopping, I�ll take her to Olive Garden for the delicous soup and salad lunch and then come home to finish packing. Tomorrow I�ll spend the day getting the apartment ready to be empty for a month and clean for when I get back. I�m leaving Gulfport early Wed A.M.

I don�t know if I�ll be adding to this diary much during September. It depends on whether I can get onto a computer in Thailand. If you�re watching for updates, be patient, OK? I�ll do the best I can to get some news posted here, especially after my operation on the 6th.

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