12:16 a.m. - Saturday, Aug. 24, 2002
Ms Leslie killing time

I'm not a religious person but sometimes it does seem like things appear when you need 'em. It strikes me that your appearance just now is something like that.

Just as you might imagine, as the time for me to begin my travels gets closer, I'm getting more nervous and anxious about a number of things. You correctly pointed out that my PTSD complicates matters a lot. I'm proud of myself when I leave my apartment and spend the day shopping or going to a movie. Air travel, crowds, Asia, and the hospital environment are all fraught with triggers that have me sweating and trembling already. The whole question of whether having a genital reassignment is a good idea becomes almost secondary to all the other stuff. But I knew it would come, and I know it's going to get worse.. a lot worse... before it gets better. All I can do is live through those things. I hate fear, but even worse I hate surrendering to it.

But you're concerned about the whole sex-change thing. You have some of the very same questions I've had already. Maybe if I take some time to respond to your comments I can calm myself a little bit while broadening your understanding of this unusual and confusing subject of transsexuality. I hope you won't mind if I also post this letter as a diary entry. It's been days since I wrote and there are people actually watching my diary and wondering what's going on with me. It would be nice if they at least knew I'm still out here.

You wrote:

> Leslie,

> I know I may have been insensitive about appearances

> but they DO count and you still can not "pass"

> effectively. You are an attractive person but not that

> womanly looking, to me.

After many years of exposure to testosterone, clearly I can't look terribly womanly. I'm sorry for that. But I beg to disagree about the 'passing'. During two years of living as a woman, I've learned that the more I recognize myself as a woman, the more others do too. True, people may be just being kind to me. If so , that's enough. I'm not so deluded that I suppose everyone sees me as a woman. Believe it or not, many do, but I don't expect it. I"m also not so arrogant as to think I have a right to anyone's tolerance, much less understanding or respect. I havn't much control over that. But I DO have a right to courtesy and I expect to receive it from everyone. Whatever my configuration may be, I have a right to exist. I have a right to express myself, and a right to see myself and live as the person I percieve myself to be. That's a right I helped to defend and it's one I'll die for today if I have to. So.. the point is, I'd really like you to recognize me as a woman, but I have no control over that. If you can't or won't see me as I present myself, I'm afraid I have to leave it to you to deal with in the best way you can. I can't stop being me just so you (the public) will feel more comfortable in my presence.

> But what really panics me is

> that you may not ever orgasm again.

OK... here are some of the gory details:

These operations have been performed since the late 1930s. In those days it was pretty much automatic that orgasms were sacrificed. Since the 70's though, there has been a lot of progress in reassignment surgery techniques. Nothing is ever guaranteed of course, but today the odds very much favor an outcome that is indistinguishable from a natal female's sex organs from a hooded clitoris to the floor of the vagina. I know post-operative transsexuals personally who have allowed physicians to attempt to do a pap smear, only to discover that there is no cervix.

I've selected my surgeon because I think he's the best in the world. He uses the same basic techinque that most other SRS surgeons use (penile inversion with sensate clitoris) but he adds the step of salvaging all of the male glans with nerves intact for usein constructing a fully sensate clitoris, inner labia and vaginal portal. This is actually MORE than natal women have. Orgasms are fully expected.

> Is it true that

> you may not ever have sexual release like you are

> capable of having now? I mean just that stupid

> episiotomy that women get when giving birth can affect

> sensation. This must be major trauma! I am concerned

> for you. There are very few things in life you can't

> say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" and go back and try

> again. This is one of them.

After two years on hormones, I'm already way past the point that you are concerned about. The changes began almost immediately, becoming more and more irreversible after about three months. I'm incapable of what you might think of as a 'male' orgasm. My testicles and prostate gland are atrophied to to the extent that they are difficult to find. I never have erections, not even with stimulation. I do have orgasms, but they're fundamentally different now. There is no ejaculate, as I produce no sperm or seminal fluid. Of course I can't presume to say my orgasms are more 'female'.. how could I really know? But I think they must be similar. More intense, which was a big surprise to me, and longer lasting.

I sincerely hope that my ability to have orgasms will not only remain intact, but will actually increase. After the surgery, I'll be able to stop taking the anti-androgens that suppress my body's production and use of testosterone. There'll still be a tiny amount of it produced in my pituitary gland, as it is in all women, and that small amount will hopefully be enough to make me feel 'turned on' once in a while. AS it is now, I haven't had sex for three years or more. I don't have the desire and I don't miss it. After my recovery, this should change at last.

> Is gender identification

> more important than function? Especially sexual

> function?

As a matter of fact it is. It's more important now, at this late stage of my life, than anything. I've missed my life by trying so hard to be what others felt I should be. Now I need to spend the last few years of it being who I feel I should be.

> Your needs couldn't be met with the cosmetic

> surgery and hormone pills to appear womanly in society

> yet still retaining full sexual function?

Let's do an experiment. I'm not going to answer this question. Instead, I'm going to ask you to imagine that you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror as you're getting ready to bathe. To your surprise, you see that overnight you grew a beard. That your body is covered with thick dark hair, and yes.... your vagina and breasts are replaced with a penis and testicles. Tell me, under these circumstances, are you still a woman? How do you know? If our bodies determine our lgender, then you're magically transformed to a man. But the evidence is mounting that sex and gender are two different things. You're one of the lucky majority. Your female sexual characteristics match your internal, personal gender identification. That's the way it's supposed to be, but it doesn't always work that way. I have a male body. All the hormones, cosmetics, and even gential surgery will never change my chromosomal makeup. But my gender is that of a woman. I know I'm a woman in exactly the same way that you know you are one. There's nothing on the outside to validate my knowledge, but I know it all the same, and have known it since I was a small child.

There has been a respectable amount of study of gender and sex. All the studies so far agree that in the case of Gender Identity Dysphoria (transsexualism), it's not possible to treat the dysphoric patient through therapy. The only effective treatment found so far is the surgical revision of the patient's genitals and secondary sex charactaristics as far as possible so as to bring the patients gender and sex into some kind of agreement. You see.. we don't want to 'look like women'. We ARE women. We only want to be able to see ourselves, to encourage others to see us, and to live to the best of our ability as the people we feel ourselves to be. All I, or any other TS person want is to be a whole person, just like you.

> You make me

> nervous and afraid for you. I can only imagine .. no I

> can't even do that .. what brought you to this point.

> You seem to be the nicest person. You need something

> that you *know* will make you happy. I hate to add to

> your doubts at the last moment like this. You must

> have them, but you make me .. I don't now .. panic is

> the best description.

This is maybe the most interesting statement I've read from you. I wonder how it is that my actions would make you this uneasy. And maybe it's just me, but I feel like you're implying that since I want something irreversible that I 'know' will make me happy, I'm somehow not the 'nicest' person I seem to be. Now don't get me wrong... I know you don't intend any offense. It's just something in your choice of words above leaves room for a little conjecture.

Anyway.... I lay awake nights going over my options again and again. I can only think of three. Maybe you can tell me if there is a fourth.

1. I could just stop all this foolishness and go back to being a guy. A lot of people would be happier if I chose to do this. I'm not one of them. In some ways this wouldn't be possible anyway. The hormones have made some irreversible changes in my body. I'd be even less of a man than I was to start with.

2. I could stay like this. Keep taking hormones and living as a woman while remaining legally a man. I"m not sure why anyone would want to do this. It's being stuck in the middle. I don't like it now, so I can't see why I would like it tomorrow.

3. I can take the risk and face the fear of moving forward to do all I can, including the surgery, to be as much of a woman physically as I can manage. At the same time, I need to learn to accept those things I absolutely can't do anything to change. This is the hardest, most expensive and most painful option in the short term, bu it's also the only one that offers any promise of ever leading a more satisfying life. ANd there is one consolation: If things turn out badly and I find I have regrets, at least I'm not twenty. I don't have fifty or sixty years to spend as an unhappy eunuch. I'll live maybe ten or twenty more years. What have I got to lose, really?

Oh, but maybe this would be a good place to tell you not to worry about adding to my fears. It's just the opposite. Talking about it, writing it out, trying to explain it to someone who hasn't had any exposure to it (knowingly), all help me ease my own fears. I'd have to pay big bucks to my therapist for the exact same priviledge.

>It's so permanent. Maybe thats

> the best part of it for you but being the first time

> I've read someones inner thoughts on this process

> without the larger context .. I just got a little

> paniced (is that a word???)

I started writing that diary strictly to meet some personal need I felt. Lately I find that it serves as an aid to others in different ways. While it might be disturbing, sometimes dark and often confusing, I hope it's also of value to you for having read it. The vast majority of transsexual women.... and even more so with TS men... simply disappear into the background fo society as quickly as they are able to live with some degree of success in their gender. I've been thinking that after my surgery I might like to try to get involved with educating people about this fascinating condition. I have this idea that with a little more face to face education and a little less Jerry Springer, people would be a lot more accepting and less threatened by the idea that someone would wish to change their sexual organs.

Thanks again for your concern. You didn't have to care enough even to write me, but you did. I'm grateful for that. If you want to know more or have otehr questions, I hope you'll write me. I'll try to stop pacing long enough to give you my viewpoint.

Leslie

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