8:55 a.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 07, 2002
Hard Hearted Ms Leslie
And so it goes�.
The good stuff? I lost three pounds yesterday by fasting and exercising. I am at least now back to where I was a month ago, but with a renewed commitment and less of a nicotine habit to contend with. I think I might be ready to succeed this time.
The bad stuff? My big trip to Thailand is already becoming about everyone but me. It�s no one�s fault� It never is. It�s just that everyone else�s problems are so much bigger than mine. My sister, after locking in her non-refundable ticket to Bangkok with a return date two weeks earlier than mine or our mother�s, finally accepted the fact shortly thereafter that she�s too disabled to work any longer. She suffers excruciating chronic pain as the result of a routine surgery that went horribly wrong and she suffers from a deep chronic depression resulting from her grief over losing a great career as a result of her injury. So now she�s decided to stay with us the whole time, which is great. I think it�ll do her good. All I have to do is find out how many hoops to jump through and how much money it�ll cost to change her unchangeable ticket. Then a couple of days ago, my stepfather had a stroke which has left him paralyzed on his left side. On his best days he�s hard to deal with, but after this stroke, he�s impossible. Before the stroke, my mom was planning to leave him home alone while she was gone. Now, who knows? He�s still in the hospital, but it looks like he�ll be put in a home, at least for the month mom is gone with me. In addition, her last surviving sibling, a sister in Utah who has been ill with cancer has gone to the hospital, where she is expected to die within weeks. There�s little doubt that she�ll die while we are overseas and mom will miss her funeral.
So, as I said� the trip is going to be filled with emotions and worries.. none of them mine. I�m really scared that my sister is going to have a crisis, either from pain or emotional stress and my mom is going to be preoccupied with the problems she is ignoring and leaving behind. This sounds so selfish, I�m ashamed even to think it, but I�m terrified that not only will I have to deal with all the same uncertainties and fears I would have if I went alone, but I�m going to have to take care of my mom and/or sister as well. If I don�t, then I�m going to come off as being very cruel and selfish. But I�m not sure I can pull it off.
I�m going to get what I need from this trip. If that means I have to walk away from one or both of them in the middle of the trip, then that�s what I�ll do. I keep repeating to them� �I can�t take care of you�, and they say they understand, but I know they don�t. This is a no mercy, take no prisoners kind of trip. I sure hope it turns out better than I think it�s going to turn out.
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