3:08 a.m. - Thursday, Aug. 01, 2002
Ms Leslie Cleans Her Ashtrays
Smokers be patient please. After today, I promise I�ll never mention smoking again. But today I�m pleased to announce that I�ve not smoked for a solid month. Today I claim the status of non-smoker.
Of course, I have to gather the soggy, salt-sucked hulls of sunflower seeds with a lawn blower. The inside of my mouth looks like a bad motorcycle accident. I�m cross stitching the same row of thread over and over again until I have to buy green thread by the case, but hey�. I�m a non smoker! I�m going to die with pink lungs! Well� maybe a light shade of charcoal gray, but you get the idea.
I�ll be honest. I�ll always miss the old butts. Coffee drinking is now a single-handed activity, and the liquid itself seems to have lost its life. The only thing left to do after a meal is to eat another one so as to avoid having to jump up and clean up. And driving? OH driving!�.. I never knew a mile could be so long!
What I won�t miss is the incessant coughing and wheezing. The waste of good money on perfume that can�t be smelled through the stench of old smoke. The skin that looks and feels like the worn-out treads on an old truck tire� and of course, standing around outside on the fringes of polite society, sucking down unenjoyed cigarettes in the wind and rain.
Smoking is, let�s face it, a lost art. It used to be fun, back before you, dear reader, were born. I can remember when ashtrays were everywhere. Standing in line at the bank was a good time to smoke. Theater lobbys, restaraunts, of course, seminars and meetings� it was all good. Smoking was an American right�.. and it was cheap at twenty-five cents a pack. Those few non-smokers were, ironically, as rare as transsexuals� and we gave them about the same consideration. A non-smoker was an oddity to be stared at and sometimes pitied. WE just couldn�t understand why anyone wouldn�t want to smoke.
But that�s all changed over the last forty years. Slowly at first, the cosmic pendulum has swung. Smokers are, no pun intended, a dying breed. But I don�t think we can blame the nonsmokers. Not really. They have suffered pretty much in silence all these years. The real culprits in the extinction of smoking as a social activity are the FORMER smokers. I guess there�s something in us that makes us into missionaries once we find the strength and commitment to quit. Suddenly we forget how important that little reassuring, calming recess from life can be. WE get all intolerant and judgemental. I mean, if WE can quit, then ANYBODY can. And we just have to be better people overall than anyone who can�t quit.
So, here�s my pledge as a neonatal non-smoker:
You are ALWAYS welcome to smoke in my presence. In my home, you may smoke anytime you can find an ashtray, which will be most of the time, unless another guest is present who for health reasons must not be exposed to second hand smoke. I promise never to wave my hand around in front of my face, make gagging or choking noises, or rude and caustic comments about smoking. We all know the facts about smoking. You don�t need me to remind you. That�s the surgeon general�s job. All I ask is that you be a considerate smoker and in return, I�ll be a considerate non-smoker.
We�ll both still be people, OK?
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