6:05 a.m. - Friday, May. 10, 2002
Ms Leslie catches up

(From a letter to my therapist on 5/3)

This is a little weird. After all this time, I'm starting to get the hang... just a bt... of fixing my hair and making it do what I want it to. I mixed a bottle of liquid foundation with a jar of moisturizer to make a tinted moisturizer that just gives a hint of coverage; just enough to mask some of the redness from electrolysis without being as heavy as regular foundation. I've learned to bleach the dark hairs on my chin so they lighten up a bit. When I get ready to go out, I can put on a minimum amount of makeup.. just a tiny bit of blush and some light lipstick... and a little mascara.

Here's the weird part:

For the second day in a row, when I looked in the mirror, with my hair fixed and makeup.. oh, and I've started IRONING my clothes!,,, so when I look in hte mirror... I see myself as a real and true woman. I am liking what I see.

My big ole belly is getting smaller. My breasts are starting to show more than my belly. Little by little, the flaws are becoming less evident and my real femininity is showing through.

Life is good.

(And another letter to her on 5/4)

Yesterday only got better. I left the house feeling pretty good about myself, wnd was treated like a queen at the VA. I submitted to a full-body CAT scan for the eye doctors, who are still trying to discover what kind of a fatal disease they can assign me. When she stuck my hand for the IV dye, one of the techs accidentally got some blood on my blouse. I didn't notice it until it had dried, but once we saw it, everything stopped while one of the other techs got hydrogen peroxide and spent ten minutes or so removing the blood stain. Sure.. it was their fault my blouse got blood on it, but they weren't required to show such consideration. They patted my hands and talked to me the whole time, asking if I was alright and so forth.

Afterwards, I stopped on the way home at our local shopping mall. I haven't been in that mall or any other that I can remember for at least a year. The last one I was in was when I was in California and that was only for a few minutes. It freaked me out. The mall yesterday wasn't very busy, but I had already decided ahead of time I was going to go, so it wouldn't have mattered if it had been busy. I wanted to go check out the Lane Bryant store. I like the clothes I see in the catalog and felt like looking at some things in the store. I was disappointed to find that not only did they not have anything I liked, but the prices on their clothes were much, much higher than prices in the catalog. Ileft without trying on anything or making a purchase. Penney's was next door, so I went in there. Again, not a lot of clothes in my size, but they had a lot of watches on sale, so I bought a good watch for myself. The sales clerk was great. When I found a watch I liked, the band was a little short, so she helped me rob another watch of a couple of extra links so I could wear the watch home. Now, at last, I have a watch that keeps time and won't turn green on my wrist. It cost less than half of what I lost on my last trip to the casino.

I hadn't eaten anything yet, and I was about to starve, so I stopped at the food court and got an order of spicy chicken and rice. The girl at the cash register said she liked my hair. I love it when that happens. I asked her to keep my change.

I've eaten here before. No radicla changes since I was here last time. In the past, for as long as I can remember, I've felt like I literally was from another world. The people around me seeming somehow really shallow and un-human.. and threatening in a very subtle way. I was never part of any crowd, especially this kind of one. But yesterday, something strange happened.... which was nothing at all. That's the thing; nothing happened. As I sat alone at my table, eating my chicken, I felt, in a very small byt real way, like a part of the crowd. No one noticed me. NO one talked ot me. People walked past on their way to the shops, or sat at the other tables eating and chatting with friends. It was just another average day in a small-town shopping mall. But.. how to explain it?.... I was connected to the day, and the mall, and the people there. Somehow, in some undefinable way, I felt like I fit into the space I occupied in the universe. I suppose there's no way I can explain this so it makes sense to another person, but it was real. It was something important to me. I fit in. I didnt' feel quite as threatened or as alien. I think I felt like a person.

BY the time I finished my lunch, the day had gotten unbearably hot. I was sweating before I reached my van sitting with the windows closed in the parking lot. Still, I decided to make one more stop just before I got home. I stopped at the RIte-Aid and bought some things for myself that I've wanted for a long time. I got a couple of kinds of facial masks, a new brush, hair gel... just the everyday stuff that I wanted to have. Among them was a bottle of good cologne. Wow.. it was really expensive! But I put a little on my wrists and for the rest of the day, I could smell the fragrance. It was really, really nice. I realized, once I had paid the bill, that it was worth every cent, just to have one more thing that felt good.. or smelt good,, as the case may be. It made me feel even better about myself.

So, all in all, it was a pretty good day. Expensive, but good. I'm glad it worked out that way. I needed to have a good day. It helped carry me through the evening, even though I spent the evening at home. I cleaned al little bit and then spent the evening in my customary spot on the floor watching TV. But I wasn't overwhelmed by the urge to eat a lot. I had an orange and a bowl of oatmeal for supper.. that's all. I guess I didn't want to do anything to damage my ability to have another good day in the near future.

( another letter on the same day)

There's another thing I forgot to mention about yesterday. I'm sure it had a little bit to do with how the rest of my day went.

When I arrived at the VA for my CAT scan, I parked at the back of the farthest lot. One of the other patients parked in the same area and we both began walking to the main building more or less at the same time. When we had gotten about halfway there, the little parking shuttle with the volunteer driver came by and asked if we wanted a ride. We both declined and continued walking. On the spur of the moment, I decided to take a chance. I made a comment to the man about how we might have taken a ride if the shuttle had come to where we started from.

The guy was really nice! He was a very young (and proud) 77 years old, married for many years and in excellent shape. He accompanied me to the front door with non-stop chat. He made our short walk very pleasant.

No big thing; except for the fact that I've so seldom been treated this way by strangers. No big thing except for the fact that I took a big risk in speaking first.. and it paid off. No big thing, except for the fact that the man never seemed to question my gender, or the way I looked, or talked, or smiled. No big thing at all, unless you're me.

It occurs to me that I'm only just now starting to be ready for this kind of thing. A few months.. even a few weeks before this, if I began to feel that I fit into a crowd, I might have started to cry right there on the spot. If I had recieved much kindness from strangers, I might have come apart and scared them away. Now, it seems I can keep it together and just kind of feel the moment. I dont' have to cry until later, when I think more about it. I think that's a good thing.

(Another letter on 5/7)

I did have a couple of good days. I spent Saturday behind the closed doors of my apartment, and most of Sunday. By Sunday afternoon, I couldn't stand it any more, so I went to see 'Spiderman' at a nearby theater. The theater was crowded, and I was a half-hour early, so I spent quite a long time in the lobby, waiting for the show to start. I didn't notice him, but apparantly Phil's best friend saw me there with my dress and sandals. He's seen me before, around Ann's house, but not in an actual dress. Having his friend see me apparantly caused Phil some stress and discomfort, but it caused me none at all.

Yesterday I went to Ann's house and fixed a door that was coming off its hinges. It was my own idea to go.. she didn't ask me. When I left my apartment to go over there, one of my distant neighbors in the complex drove past as I waited to cross the driveway. He slowed down almost to a stop, checking me out appreciatively and smiling like crazy. Then he waved and smiled even more. I can't tell you how flattering this kind of thing is. It's probably a good thing guys don't know either. I would be a pushover for just about anyone who showed me this kind of attention.

I've stuck to my diet and exercise really well. I'm up to 12 miles in thirty minutes on my air bike and I've been doing good with my eating. That, along with spending a few extra minutes on my appearance each day has been a great boost to my spirits.

This is familiar territory for me. Just prior to every great change I've found myself losing weight, quitting smoking and generally improving my health. It's a gearing up kind of thing. Then, after whatever the great change happens to have been, once I start to settle in to the new life, all the old feelings start to creep in again. Depression and hopelessness follow and soon I'm back to struggling just to maintain.

This time, for my own good, has got to be different. It has to be finally and positively the last great change for me. There aren't that many places left for me to run to. This time, instead of changing WHERE I am, I need to face up to WHO I am and do whatever it takes to deal with that. If I can remain convinced that this is the last great change, then I can keep 'gearing up' for it by getting in shape. If I start to beleive that this is just one more great change, then I am sunk. I don't have many more great changes left in me either. I am tired of them.

The really positive thing about all this is that I do like who I am. All my life, I've been afraid of her; trying to be anyone else at all other than who I really am. I can't beleive how I have fought this, or the lengths I've gone to to deny it. Now it breaks my heart to look back and see the huge part of my life I've missed. I truly grieve for that and I don't know how I'll get over it. But the important thing is that I'm letting myself out now. I get these little tiny bits of feedback sometimes, and it's such a positive thing. Can you ever know how it is to feel comfortable with yourself, just for a minute or two? Out of a lifetime, I've only felt comfortable with myself for a few lousy minutes. Those minutes come when a mother waiting to get into the theater tells her young son not to sit on the floor behind me or he might "make that lady trip", or when a guy holds a door an extra moment for me, or even when I must pass a woman in a restroom with a friendly smile. When I know that I'm not questioned as a woman, then I'm comfortable with myself. It's not about being 'accepted' or 'understood'; It's about just being me..... unnoticed and unremarkable.

So this is how I can know that I'll be successful one more time at losing weight and going ahead with another great change. I know that this one will be different from all the rest. If I stay focused and if I keep gettting more and more feedback, then this one will be the last one. It's different because it's me, dealing with life instead of running from it.

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