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6:19 a.m. - Wednesday, Mar. 13, 2002
A (gasp) MAN gets Ms Leslie a Rum and Coke
Wouldn�t you know, the day after I accused them of ignoring me, the Suporn Clinic answered my e-mail?

They are leaving the door open for me. They said that they can�t operate on those who are both diabetic AND obese. I�m to contact them once I have my weight down. Well duh! That was always my plan. All I wanted to do was to send the deposit to insure a date for surgery and to motivate myself to get on the stick weight-loss-wise. No problem. I�ll just hang on to the money until I�m truly ready for the surgery and then contact them. They have the most open schedule I�ve seen, so getting a date should be no problem. I�m so glad I still can get the surgery I need. I wasn�t enjoying the feeling of maybe not being able to see this thing through.

We took some time off, Ann and I, on Monday and went to get our hair cut. I wish I could go every day. The stylists always make my hair look so good. Then we went to a casino for lunch. Lunch was just OK. The gambling afterwards was better for her, worse for me. It never fails� when I win, she loses. When I lose, she wins. This time, I pulled the plug after losing 60.00 on the nickel machines. She came away with�� 60.00 in winnings. Later that evening, she was so high on winning, she wanted to go back and really teach them a lesson, so I pulled out 200.00 from my account and she took her money she had won and we went back in. I fully expected to lose my 200.00, and I almost did lose it on the �Reel-em in� nickel machine. The term nickel machine is deceptive. I was playing 45 nickels on every pull. The darn machine took almost all of my 200.00 before finally going on a roll and letting me win. When I got to 220.00, I collected my winnings and went upstairs to find Ann at her favorite machine. The upstairs machines are older. They only take three nickels at a time. I was a little bored with that, so I moved over to a 25 cent machine and played it for the rest of the time we were there. Right from the first pull, it treated me well. By the time Ann had run out of money, I was 90.00 ahead. I had recouped my earlier loss and picked up a few bucks to boot.

Oh, but while I was downstairs on the other machine, I enjoyed a first! For the first time ever, a guy bought me a drink! He was swapping machines between the two machines next to me. We spent an hour or so chatting and (blush) flirting a little bit� until his wife showed up. While she was there, of course, he didn�t know me. I can�t help myself� I enjoyed his attention. He was totally sweet to me. I�m really seeing guys in such a different light. They can be bastards, yes, but they can also be so nice.

I don�t have any idea how my family will react to the idea that I enjoy the attentions of men. I guess it kind of depends on whether they have really begun to accept me as female or if they kind of see me still as a confused man with homosexual leanings. If they see me as a woman after all, then my attraction to men should seem natural. If not, well.. I guess that�s just one more thing they�ll need to deal with.

So, it�s back to New Orleans to my therapist again this morning. I�m still feeling like I�m not doing much in that direction. I�m kind of wasting her time and my money right now. I told my VA therapist I was thinking of discontinuing the N.O. therapist for a while. She didn�t think that was such a good idea. Maybe she�s right. Maybe it�s like the meds. I take them until I seem to be doing better, then I want to stop.. which only starts me back on a downhill slide. Right now, I�m doing so much better�. But I could do better still. I get out a lot, but I also spend a lot of time working on Ann�s house. That�s still a good thing, as it gets me out to the hardware store, lunch, and other places, but it�s also bad because it allows me to ignore going out to do some of the things I need to be doing for myself. If I weren�t spending so much time working on Ann�s house, what would I be doing? Would I be doing my own stuff, or would I just be sitting at home, avoiding going out? I�m not sure. Maybe I need to have a project like this to get me out the door every day. One thing IS for sure. I have to keep helping her or her house will never get done. I couldn�t stand that. I care too much to see her living in chaos. She deserves better than that. Besides, I DO get a good feeling whenever we complete something. Yesterday we finished her bedroom.. or at least the painting and cleaning the floor one more time. I still have to do a repair on her ceiling. But the point is, it�s nice to look back and see the improvement. She�s really looking forward to moving back into her bedroom and I don�t blame her.

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