7:23 a.m. - Monday, Mar. 11, 2002
Ms Leslie gets a bit discouraged
I heard back from my baby brother almost immediately. Once again, the reality of his response was far better than what I had imagined. I guess after double-clutching those big trucks all these years, it was nothing for him to just switch gears from thinking of me as his big brother to thinking of me as his big sister�.. and he said he would always love me.
I hope that�s true. I get the feeling that a person can be rejected either all at once or over a long period of time. It all depends on how we get along in these new circumstances. I have feared being rejected all at once. Now that it hasn�t happened, I guess I fear being rejected slowly. I�ll just have to wait and see.
I worked on Ann�s house again on Sunday. It went slower than I�d like, but we still got her bedroom trim painted, the bathroom floor scraped and her new blinds installed. Maybe just one more coat of paint on her trim in the bedroom and she can start putting that room back in service. Today we�ll go check on our pottery and glaze whatever we have left over from the end of class, and then I have an appointment with my VA therapist this afternoon, so I doubt if we�ll get much done on her house today. We�ll hit �er hard tomorrow though.
I hate to say it, but Dr Suporn�s clinic wrote to me and told me they are no longer operating on people who have the combination of diabetes, obesity and advanced (?) age. I wrote back to ask if they would consider me if I could show that I was at or near my correct weight and that my diabetes was under control with little or no drugs. They haven�t answered, and I wrote several days ago. I think they may be ignoring me.
I�m not sure how I am going to deal with this. Obviously, every clinic is going to turn me down as long as I have this combination of conditions. And the ones in the states are so expensive, I don�t know when I�ll be able to get the money saved. It puts me into a real limbo. I�m not a man, and could never return to trying to live as one, yet I�m not a woman either� not as long as I look like a big ol� man�. Nor as long as I don�t have the body of a woman. I don�t see how I can live like this for long.
For now, I guess my only choice is to live the best way I can, lose weight, and hope for the best. I need to control what I can control and let the rest go.
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