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4:57 a.m. - 2002-01-26
Ms Leslie \"passes\"
So, I went to the Biloxi VA yesterday for my regular check-up. I slept too late and had to rush to get ready; throwing on one of my jumpers, fixing my hair a bit and running out the door. I can't help wondering why I am always finding myself with not enough time to take care of all the little details that wil help me feel feminine and pretty when I go out.

After giving blood at the lab, I had time to go to the covred smoking area and have a cigarette before going to the cafeteria for a bit of breakfast. I sat on a bench, alone except for another woman who was sitting nearby. Smoiing is one of the most un-feminine things I can think of, so I was sitting there, once again just being invisible, as I felt conspicuous. I had let some of my facial hair grow out for my elecrologist later that day, so on top of everything else, I was feeling like gabby hayes.

After a few moments, the other woman started talking to me. She had come in for an earache and in the process, they had found an irregularity in her heart. So she sat there chain smoking while she wore a heart monitor. I questioned her a bit about her previous heart problems, and had they made a diagnosis, etc. Just small talk. I didn't know if she was hearing my voice as a man's voice or what. But then she moved the conversation to the area of mammograms. HOw painful they were, and how roughly the techs handled her breasts, and didn't I just hate them?

Wow! I was passing!.. and passing in a close conversation with a woman. Men usually just aren't aware. Women, on the other hand, are much more aware. I was just totally thrilled and gratified. It helps me so much when I am able to discern whether people really see me as a woman or if they are just being polite. I know it's probably not healthy, but it seems like the more acceptance as a woman I get from others.. especially those who don't know me.. the more acceptance I find for myself as a woman... and.. I think that the more acceptance I find for myelf as a woman, the more acceptance I am going to find from others as a woman. Even with my "warts".

Stunning!

ANd you know what? It tells me that all those veterans who are watching me, making eye contact with me, telling me 'hi'.. they are seeing me as a woman too.

Amazing

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