5:35 a.m. - 2002-01-23
Ms Leslie and the big bang
237.5 lbs this morning. Not good, not bad. I'm just hovering. My lowest weight so far: 235.75.
I do everything right for most of the day. It's the evenings that are killing me. I need seomthing to do in the evenings that will take me out of here and take my mind away from food. When I signed up for pottery, I should have opted for the evening class.
I need to go to the eye doctor this morning. Maybe later this afternoon, I can look for the nearest fabric store and see if they have sewing classes. If I were to just suck it up and go to a couple of evening sewing classes a week, I'd be that much closer to making some friends and that much farther away from the fridge.
I need to look at weight watchers too, or Lynn is liable to send them over like a gang of mormon danites and have them kidnap me. If they have evening meetings, I could go there once a week too. Even though I promised to give it an honest try, I feel predisposed to hate it before I have even been. I think that may be because in going, I am admitting defeat, like the alcoholic who has hit bottom and crawls into an AA meeting for the first time. It's maybe a little like it was with PTSD. I wouldn't admit that either. I wouldn't ask for help until there was nowhere else to turn. I guess I can't stand to lean on others. I should be able to handle things myself.
In fact, that seems to be another of my core values. Integrity and Independance; two things that define me. Iv'e completely lost the right to claim any integrity for myself.. and now my independance is under attack. Having lost everything outside myself; material things, relationships, and even a beleif system, I'm now facing the loss of my actual self. Little pieces of me that keep breaking off and sloughing into the sea like eroding glaciers.
I still hate people. I don't trust them to do anything good. especially anything good for me. But at the same time, I see that I need people. That's my idea of hell. I'm a junkyard dog without a master. I roam around the town. I see people and want to be where they are. I want a kind word.. a pat on the head.. maybe even a bone, but I can't approach them. I circle around them and no amount of calling or coaxing will draw me to them. If someone gets a little too close, I snarl and back way. My junkyard is gone, but I am still protecting it.
I started to trust Dr Root, and she has respected that trust. She's done nothing to harm me.. except see me cry. And now I go in there all wrapped up and self protected. I have nothing but respect for her. I wish I could see her every day. She knows the things I know but have never said. She knows ahead of time what I am hiding in my heart. And that's dangerous somehow. So I go in with the sole objective of not feeling anything. I am working against her and removing myself from her. She knows too much. She's seen me cry. Our relationship has been stained and sullied by my tears.
And now I see the same thing with Lynn. I got too close. She saw me cry too. everyone is seeing me cry. Lynn gets close enough to pat me on the nose, and those feelings make me cry more than whatever pain I have had. And the pats make me back away again in shock. I'm shocked at how intensely I feel the pats. It scares me. It takes me by surprise. So now I go to see her and make it all a lighthearted little visit. I keep it on an intellectual level. I keep away the feelings before they turn into tears. She knows this, and very respectfully avoids trying to change it. Hers is a waiting game. She knows that my tears are my highest form of honesty. She knows that they scare me. She knows that crying is the ony time I am uncontrolled, and while the crying might help relieve pressure, the lack of control hurts. That's another core value for me I guess. Integrity, Independance and Control... and I am losing all three now. How could I NOT be scared? I am taking hits from all directions. Those pats on the nose tell me there is maybe something better, but to get it, I have to deconstruct myself.
Some scientists beelive that the universe will one day stop expanding. It will, they say, come to a grinding halt and then reverse direction and begin contracting upon itself. Eventually, this will result in everything sucking itself together more and more tightly, until it all just kind of implodes into a big bang in reverse. It will all vanish into a point, and come out the other side in a reversal of all the laws of physics and properties of energy and matter. That's what's happening to me. If I go on, I am going to implode and come out the other side as a conditional, dependant, uncontrolled opposite of myself. It takes a lot of pressure for something like that. A lot of heat.... and who is to say it will be a better me?
Shit. I ned to get ready for the eye doctor.
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